Boldness Stands Alone Amongst the Wreck
by chopcody
Summary: **finally, new chapters are up!** Colonel Sheppard has lots of big secrets. A criminal deaf sister, a long lost love, and a history of depression and pain. His new family meets his old one, and it's not gonna be that pretty. T for language only, nothing explicit. *** At some point this will be a slash story, but nothing explicit***. John/OMC, Ronan/OFC, McKay/Keller, Teyla/Lorne
1. Chapter 1

I rewrote this chapter, and I'm much happier now. McKay sounds more like McKay and the beginning of this backstory sounds more legit now. Getting used to this whole writing thins is hard! I'm kind of just letting the story pop out of my head as I go.

Obviously I don't own any of these characters- except the ones I do- Lily Grace Sheppard and another OMC yet to spring from my head, I only write about them.

I've had a story brewing in my head for a very long time. Long time lurker, first time poster. Be kind, review and advise. Thanks so much. Oh and- all mistakes are my own, I have no beta because I have no friends ;)

* * *

Teyla, John, Rodney, and Ronon were sitting outside at their usual table on the balcony overlooking the ocean around Atlantis eating their breakfasts. Rodney was regaling the team with tales of heroism from his previous jaunt offworld. He had gone on a mission with Lorne's team, SGA-2, the day before and had apparently saved the entire universe from exploding. Again.

"You wouldn't believe it guys! I thought our team was crazy, but Lorne and his monkeys are waaay more incompetent." Rodney was saying, as the team leader himself sidled up to their table.

"What was that Dr. McKay?" Lorne asked pleasantly.

"Oh, uh. Nothing? You guys are awesome?"

"Nice save Rodney." said Ronan with a grin on his face.

"Uh huh. Anyway Colonel, I just wanted to let you know that the next batch of recruits is due from the Deadalus in about 2 hours- they're running a bit late. Don't forget that Dr. McKay's civilian transfer is on this run too," continued Lorne.

"Um wha? Transfer?" asked John.

"The new comp sci transfer arranged by you and Dr. McKay. Sir. " replied Lorne.

Rodney jumped out of his chair and was beaming with excitement ."Oh my god really? Already!? Really?! Ha ha!"

"Yeah, um, WHA? What transfer McKay!?" Colonel Sheppard demanded.

Rodney looked down at his plate (and if Teyla was right, certainly trying to avoid his eyes), "Remember Colonel? A couple of months ago I asked if I could get a new guy? I had to ask you, which obviously was weird because normally I ask Dr. Weir, but seeing as the totalitarian regime know as the United States governement was "detaining" him under US Terror Laws, you had to approve it...and you said 'yes.' I cleared it with Elizabeth too, just to cover all my bases."

"Ah geez McKay, is this the guy you asked about when I was still out of it from the poison gas plants on PX-M9X? SERIOUSLY MCKAY? I barely remember what I said to you or you to me! I kind of thought it was a dream!"

"HA! Too bad Colonel Sleepyhead. You signed the transfer order. And now he's almost here!" Rodney sounded gleeful, as he was rubbing his hands together.

"This guy sounds like a criminal McKay! What have you gone and done now?!" exclaimed John.

"I'll just take this as my cue to leave" said Lorne, walking away. His message apparently delivered. The new scientist was coming, the Daedalus was going to be here soon, so hiscommanding officer was just going to have to work this out. He grinned as he turned away. He trusted Dr. McKay, but sometimes he didn't think before doing some things.

For his part, Dr. McKay was at least TRYING to look a bit bashful "Oh. Well. It's like this….um. Well, there's this hacker that broke into the SG1 and SGA program servers. Parts of the program were hacked. Not everything, but enough to get the hacker noticed and … in big trouble obviously."

Teyla decided to join in the conversation at this point, "Rodney, is this "hacker" person dangerous? Should they be allowed in the City of the Ancients?"

Rodney paused for a minute. "Oh. Uh, I think this hacker, and most hacker types, are just interested in information and getting at it. Not necessarily using it for crimes or anything…I think."

Colonel Sheppard sighed. "Uh huh. Go on Rodney" while pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Well", said Rodney, "This hacker has been around for ages, even I knew their name, well secret name. You know hackers and their super duper secret identities… right? Well, this one, he's a genius and OHMYGOD… he's really clever, I mean not as clever as me. Smartest man in two galaxies here! But, I've been following his 'work' for a few years and he's super talented, I mean, I don't know why he does what he does…but he's maybe even as good as me with rewriting code and I think, I think, I think he might be able to handle the conversion and integration of ancient tech and Earth tech really well. I mean really really well. I mean, right now all the systems work OK with our stuff, but I think with this guy on board, we can really get the City running. I mean, I've got this place running at like 70% now. Which is good right? I mean it's 50,000 yr old super tech we're talking about here and,.."

John cut Rodney off. "RODNEY. Get to the prisoner part."

"Oh yeah. Well, obviously the government couldn't have this guy just waltzing through the SGA program's file, so…they arrested him."

"So, why are WE getting to have the pleasure of their company?"

"Well, when I found out the government actually HAD this guy, I mean, no one was even sure where this guy worked from! I know he's worked outside normal bounds of scientific research arenas and stuff but um, I asked if , uh, if we could have him."

Rodney continued, "So, in exchange for not releasing all the files that he lifted from the SGA servers to hacker forums, he uh, he got an agreement to actually work within the SGA program. Of course, he's still a hacker and kind of a prisoner, but not really, you know?"

"Does this hacker have a name?" asked John.

"Oh, uh, I just know their hacker name. LilliumDuo."

At that, Colonel John Sheppards demeanor changed instantly. "What did you say?"

McKay repeated, "LiliumDuo. You know how these names are, just nonsense."

Teyla studied John's face. She thought he looked distressed and was on the verge of something….panic? Clearly, to him, the name was not nonsense.

"Colonel Sheppard? Do you know this person?" Telya asked.

Instead of answering, John stood up abruptly from the table and walked into the City.

Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney exchanged puzzled looks and all stood up in unison and began to follow him inside, leaving their breakfasts deserted.

John didn't stop walking until he got to Dr. Weir's office. Without knocking or even announcing himself, he stormed in started pacing furiously.

Dr. Weir looked up from her work and was just staring at the new spectacle in front of her. She had no idea what was going on. "Colonel? Can I help you?"

"Yes…No… It's my own fault. I didn't ask. I mean, why would I? I thought it was just another geek coming! Oh god. Why didn't I ask. This can't be happening. FUCK!"

At that exclamation, everyone (Teyla, Ronon, and Rodney were standing just insode the door) kind of jumped.

"Colonel! What is going on?" exclaimed Dr. Weir.

John stopped his pacing and responded by asking "I just need to know, does this prisoner transfer of Dr. McKay's coming in have an assistant? Someone accompanying them?"

McKay piped up "why would they be coming with an assistant? I get to decide the staffing for my division. Does this count against me? Who decided this? Can I get rid of Kavanaugh now?"

"McKay, shut up!" said John.

Dr. Weir looked down at her desktop, and not finding what she was looking for, opened a drawer and pulled out a stack of papers. "…Yeees. It looks like they are coming with an assistant." At this statement she looked up expectantly at Colonel Sheppard.

He just sank into a chair holding his head in his hands.

Teyla walked over to him and laid her hand on his shoulder prompting him to look up.

"Uh guys? There's some stuff I think I'm going to have to tell you."


	2. Chapter 2

OK. So, I'm really bad at this whole formatting and being patient thing. So I've already had to fix a few little typos and phrases here and there.

None of the characters are mine (save two) and I just write about them.

Please forgive the first time jitters/grammer/formatting.

* * *

Colonel Sheppard walked himself and his friends over to a conference room where they could all sit.

"Okay, what's going on Sheppard" blurted Ronan. "What's got you so freaked out?"

Colonel Sheppard passed a hand over his face and said, "First of all, I'm not 100% sure that this LilliumDuo is who I think they may be"

"And WHO IS THAT exactly Colonel?!", McKay was getting impatient and worried that his new scientist/hacker/recruit was NOT going to work out. "Oh my god! Is he insane? Is he going to kill me? I was just trying to make advances in technology and science for the betterment of all man!"

John sighed. "First of McKay, he is a she. I think. If they are who I think they are."

"Oh, well then...ok. So who IS SHE?" McKay was almost screaming at this point and looked as he were going to hyperventilate.

"Calm down McKay. She's not going to kill you. She may kill me though"

Elizabeth and Teyla exchanged glances. Teyla was the one who asked, "Why?"

Sheppard took a deep breath, exhaled and said, "She's my sister."

Everyone in the room was floored. Ronan barked "huh?!"

McKay was just sitting with his mouth open and his jaw on the floor.

Elizabeth was muttering "I don't understand, your records don't mention a sister."

Teyla was peacefully waiting for John to explain. She attempted to calm everyone down by saying "I'm sure the Colonel has a good reason that he has not mentioned this sister before..." waiting expectantly for him to continue.

"Actually, I don't have a good reason." With a sigh, it seemed that was all he was willing to share.

Elizabeth gently prodded him with a kind look.

"The reason my records don't show her as a relation is because she erased herself from my life. McKay, you know she has the skills to do that. With today's electronic records it was easy enough for her to do. I haven't seen or spoken to her in probably 10 years. Look, before I go on, which I'm finding very difficult right now, I need to know if it's her. I need to see her."

"Colonel," asked Teyla, "How did the name LilliumDuo let you know that this might be her? If you have not communicated in 10 years, how do you know?"

"Lillium is the latin term for the lily. Duo means two." Looking at his feet, John continued, "I have a, uh, I have a twin sister. Her name is Lily Grace. She's been a hacker for a VERY long time. When we had our...falling out...she changed her identity and that was a long tima ago. She hasn't let me know her location in an equally long period of time". With that final atomic statement, John stood up and left the room.

As the door closed behind him, Elizabeth blew out a long held breath and just said "oh." in a tiny voice.

Teyla was looking very pensive and was wondering what could have driven apart a twin sibling from this man that she knew. A man of principle, strength, and kindness.

Ronan blurted out "How come none of knew he had a sister?"

McKay looked around the room and said "Right. OK. I inadvertently hired his criminal sister. Twin sister. Who hates him. Passionately. Enough to ERASE herself from his existance for ten years. I think I'm in trouble."


	3. Chapter 3

Minor changes made since first posted.

By now, anyone reading this, is probably picking up on the fact that I don't really have an outline or plan that I'm drawing from. I apologize as I'm no writer, just wanted to get this little daydream out of my head.

The characters aren't mine. Reviews would be great (even though I'm TERRIFIED of the prospect) :)

* * *

Elizabeth, McKay, Ronon, and Teyla stood in the conference room dumbfounded.

Elizabeth spoke first. "Did any of you guys know about this sister?"

Everyone responded "no" with bewildered, hurt and confused looks.

Rodney piped up "Well, I guess it's possible, if this Lily person didnt want to exist on paper anymore, she more than has the skills to make a new identity, or hide from anyone. I wonder what happened between them?"

Teyla murmured "I also wonder this. The Colonel is such a principled man. What could have them not want to be with each other? Twins especially. For my people, twins are very rare. Very rare. Such bonds are not easily broken."

"On Sateda too. Twins were really rare. Always made great soldiers though because they'd fight extra hard to protect each other." said Ronon, who was leaning against the wall.

"Do you think we should go find him and ask before the Daedalus arrives? It's gonna be here soon." Rodney was looking at everyone with wide eyes.

Being the diplomat, they all naturally looked to Elizabeth to make a decision- "I think maybe one of us should go. It seems like he is really uncomfortable with talking about any of this and the smaller the audience the better. I just want to be sure he's going to be able to handle her presence here. Because at this point it's not like we can send her back immediately. And frankly it's not really his choice. She is a civilian, and Dr. McKay and the Military Police have made these arrangements, which I have already agreed to. She is not one of his responsibilities. Once she leaves the daedalus, she's no longer the military's responsibility, she's a civilian. That was part of her terms for the release. "

"I'll go", Teyla volunteered, and with a final look at her friends she went in search of John.

* * *

John had left the conference room and headed for the east pier. He needed air. Space. Room to think and breathe. He felt like his whole world had been shaken up and dropped in a pile at his feet. As he passed people in the halls, scientists, people under his command, he barely registered them, didn't return salutes given. He just needed to get out into the open air.

When he finally arrived at his destination, he didn't even realize he had one in mind, he just stood looking out over the ocean. Thoughts were swirling around his mind. Unsettled and without flow of logic or reason. Memories of the past, questions of the future all tumbled around. Such was his lack of focus that the military leader had no concept of how much time past or that anyone was approaching.

Teyla touched his shoulder, he jumped at the contact. She stood there with her hand on his shoulder for a moment. She could feel the tension under his black shirt, could feel how his shoulder was tight, unable to relax. She didn't move her hand. Just stood there offering peace and comfort through her touch.

He looked her in the eyes, and tore them away to stare at the ocean. He thought he was letting his friends down. That to have his history thrown in their faces, when they thought they knew him, that this was a betrayal. It's not that he didn't trust them, or that he was in any way ashamed of his past. It was just that he'd learnt long ago that family can leave you. Can betray you, can hurt you the most. So he never talked about his past or his family, preferring to sacrifice his own self and identity for everyone else's wellbeing and frankly, over the past five years on Atlantis, he'd been more than occupied doing exactly that.

He breathed out and whispered "I just need a little more time".

Teyla smiled back and sat down on the pier, guiding him to sit down as well.

They sat that way for half an hour, enjoying each other's company and the ocean sounds and smells.

Finally, John said "Lily Grace never forgave me for joining the Air Force."

Teyla opted to remain silent. Now that John had finally started to talk, she didn't want to interrupt.

John continued, "I always knew I wanted to be in Air Force. Always. It's who I am. It's something that is a part of me, and I can't change that. There's other stuff of course. But that's the big one. I went into the Air Force and she didn't want to, couldn't really anyway, even if she wanted to. To her it was unforgivable that I chose it instead of her. That's how she saw it. At least that what it seemed like to me."

"Anyway. She'll be here soon enough and you can see for yourself. I don't even know what's going to happen. She made it pretty clear that she didn't want anything to do with me years ago."

A few more moments passed. "You know, I told the others only part of the truth before...Lily Grace erased herself from society's records, but I erased her from my military record. I made that decision."

Sigh. "Don't tell McKay that, ok? He doesn't need to know I have the skills to do that" he said with a wry smile. "I'm not even sure why I did that. Other than the fact that it was too awful when she left. I didn't want to be reminded of her...to have to say 'no' that relative isn't my next of kin, don't contact her...to have to talk about it. I'm not real big on the whole talking about things THING. You know?"

"Yes John, I know," said Teyla with an equally wry smile. "We will be here for you. I do not know what your family did to you in the past to make you think that family could not be trusted. But this family that we have here, you me, Ronon, McKay, Elizabeth, Drs Beckett and Keller... we will be here for you, we will not leave you or force you to choose."

John turned to look at her "You're not mad that I didn't tell you guys about any of this?" waving his hands around in the air.

Teyla paused a moment. "I will not say that I'm not hurt, I am. I cannot speak for the others, though. I know in my heart that you trust me as I trust you. I know in my heart that you are a part of my family as I am yours. I know these things to be true. I also know that it's very hard- especially for you- to open yourself to others, to share your thoughts and your history."

John looked at her and smiled. "Thank you Teyla. Thank you for sitting here with me."

Teyla looked at her friend. He looked afraid. He looked not like a soldier, but a man who is uncertain of what is coming. She had to reassure him that all would be well. It hurt her to see him so unsure of himself, and it hurt her also, that he did not feel as confident in the support of his friends as she did. She knew that Ronon, Dr. McKay, everyone here - would be loyal to him.

John turned to her, "I feel like there is a storm coming, a rage. Lily Grace isn't the only thing or person, that you guys don't know about. I came to Atlantis for a reason, and it's not just what happened with Afghanistan and Holland. You guys know about that, but there's a lot of other stuff that made me leave my life behind. I'm not sure how all these things will unfold. But Lily Grace coming here is going to bring a lot of...bad...stuff to the surface, and I'm ... nervous. I don't know what to do."

Teyla was surprised at this. What more could his history hide? What more did they, his team and family, not know about John Sheppard?


	4. Chapter 4

Yay, we get to meet his sister. I always thought that Lisbeth Salander (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) was a neat character- so, I've drawn from that.

In my little made up universe here, Dave Sheppard doesn't exist. John's dad was still a wealthy businessman but is dead as is his mother.

Also, let me state that I am not deaf, don't have any friends who are deaf or hard of hearing, and am not insinuated into deaf culture in any way, shape, or form- other than thinking that there is a very real cultural value to deaf culture and communication. Please forgive any trespasses and assumptions, no offense is ever intended.

Don't own. Just write stories. blah.

* * *

Sometimes John wished it wasn't so easy for Lorne to find him.

Teyla and John looked back to see the Major coming out to the pier. While John appreciated his efforts in actually coming out in person, he still wished he had some more time to adjust to what was happening.

"Colonel, the Daedalus had to stop at Midway, something to do with the sublight engines- they're going to gate the rest of the personnel here, and follow them here when the repairs are done to drop off supplies and take our personnel back. So the new recruits are coming through as soon as we let them. They are awaiting our word."

John looked to Teyla and sighed. "OK. Thank you Major. And Major? Could you please see that ALL nonessential personnel is out of the gateroom?"

Lorne looked a bit puzzled at the request, but stated "Of course sir."

Sometimes John really loved his 2IC, but he knew an explanation was in order.

"The civilian transfer that McKay requested is my sister." stated John abruptly.

To give him credit, Lorne's face didn't betray any surprise even though he was thinking "Holy shit. Sheppard's sister is a criminal?!".

John continued, "She's going to have a guy with her, make sure they get quarters near each other- he's her assistant. Her name is Lily Grace and if nothing's changed in the past 10 years or so, his name is Beck Andrews. and I'm pretty sure they won't know that I'm here...and that this is going to be...interesting. I doubt she'd come if she knew I was here. But she is and we are all going to have to adjust. That's all. Let me know when the gateroom is clear."

Lorne gave a lazy salute and said "Will do sir. And sir, let me know if there is anything else I can do. I'm glad you have some family coming, I'm sure it'll all work out."

At that, John simply said "I sure hope so."

* * *

Lorne radio'ed the colonel's request about everyone leaving the gateroom to Dr. Weir.

Up in her office, McKay, Ronan and she were passing around theories of what happened with John's family. No one seemed to be able to come up with anything that made sense.

Ronon thought that maybe his family was mad that John didn't join the family business.

"But neither did his sister. That would've brought them closer together right? A joint refusal to join the business world? A hacker type certainly wouldn't want to do that...rat race and all." Elizabeth was so logical sometimes.

"Rat race?" said Ronan with a look to McKay- "you people are weird. What's fun about racing rats, and what's it have to do with business?"

McKay just waved his hands around and said "Just a stupid saying Ronan. Conformist. A hacker wouldn't be conformist- do what everybody else is doing, just because. Hacker types generally don't like that stuff".

"Maybe it has to do with money?", this came from Rodney.

"Oh please" said Dr. Weir, "when have you EVER thought that Colonel Sheppard gave a moments thought to money? The Air Force provides him with everything he needs-Body, mind and soul- or at least I thought!"

"Well. I just hope he doesn't ruin my new computer girl. When have you guys ever seen me excited about working with someone?! We have a real chance to make this place MORE. I've come to terms with the fact that I just don't have the TIME sometimes- since I'm always saving everything and everyone- and everyone else is always blowing stuff up, that I think this person could be trained to maybe, be...one day...along time from now...maybe...almost as useful as me. Not as smart though."

"Wow Rodney. That was almost a compliment." Ronan kicked his just for good measure too.

"Hey! Well, clearly she's good at computers." Rodney said with an epic roll of his eyes. But looking through all her past "achievements" she's more experienced than a lot of the other scientists here in just about EVERY aspect of programming AND she seems infinitely able to adapt to new technology. Even I have to admit I have people under me who can't adapt worth a damn to new things. And seeing as we are in an ALIEN galaxy, this skill is KIND OF key. She can work OR BREAK any system on Earth...so maybe she can be useful with alien tech too. But obviously, she'll never be as good as me. I mean that's just obvious."

"Well, we will all get to know a lot more in a few minutes. We are ready to open the gate from Midway. They'll all be here soon enough." With that, Dr. Weir stood up and walked out to the gateroom. Ronan and Rodney followed, all eyes on the gate.

* * *

John was walking back to the gateroom with Teyla.

"Hey Teyla? If this transfer turns out to be some guy named Ed from New Brunswick, I don't suppose any of you guys will forget about this huh?

She put a hand out to stop John. "If that is truly what you wish, then I think we could. But John, you need to trust us. We will not hurt you. Not ever."

John simply looked at her with a sudden sadness in his eyes. He was thinking to himself - but you don't know me, not the bad parts, not yet...- instead he said out loud "I know", but with no real conviction behind it. With that they continued walking, with John following her lead.

* * *

As John entered the Gateroom, Teyla made eye contact with the rest of team- in that look she was able to convey "Don't ask. Not yet."

Ronan looked at John as he approached the bottom of the gateroom stairs where they were all standing and nudged him with an elbow. John nudged back. This made Ronan feel a lot better, he knew his friend was gonna be OK.

Rodney was still looking nervous and said "Look colonel, I don't know what to say. I hope you guys will work this out. and I hope she's hot. Cause you know, we already have like an 8:1 man/woman ratio thing going on here. Not that'd I'd hit on your sister, but you know, if I'm going to work with her all the time..."

Dr. Weir gave Rodney a not so gentle nudge.

"Hey! I bruise like a peach!" exclaimed Rodney.

At that the tension in the room lifted and John looked relaxed for just a moment.

He stood on the bottom step of the stairs and said to his friends around him, "Thanks guys for being OK with this right now. I know I have a lot of explaining to do. And I will. I just have to see how Lily Grace takes all this. I'm assuming that I'm gonna be just as big a surprise to her as she was to me in all this... so... OK. Here goes-Colonel Caldwell?"

The gate was open and Colonel Caldwell responded "Yes Colonel, we are here and awaiting your word to disembark."

"Go ahead, send the recruits and scientists first. We will clear the room over here and then complete the civilian transfer" said John.

Elizabeth turned to Chuck, "Go ahead Chuck, open the iris".

The bright pool of light filled the gateroom as the iris opened and military personnel started to stream through. About 20 new marines and air force men and women came through followed by about 8 new scientists.

Colonel Caldwell piped in from Midway "Good luck with the transfer Colonel, better you than me. She had to be confined to quarters for the duration of the trip to Midway. Disorderly conduct. But other than that she's all yours".

John sighed. Yup, this sounded like his sister. Christ.

All the new recruits and geeks stood in the middle of the room gawking and turning in their places, taking it all in. Before John could ask Caldwell to hold off on the transfer - he wanted the new people out of the room, he didn't know how things were going to shake out between him and his sister and preferred not to have an audience- but before he could do that, the last two people walked through the gate. Well, them and the two MPs escorting them.

All the military and new scientists were also interested in the "PRISONER" because she had gotten into several altercations on board- and no one had see her since, so they were all craning their necks to see her too.

John's friends looked to him, and it was clear from the look on his face that this was his sister. He looked blank. Absolutely no sign of what was going on inside. Normally, he'd look more welcoming to new recruits and scientist alike- he knew new personnel were nervous about travel to a new galaxy. Who wouldn't be? From the looks of it, not his sister.

Everyone's attention was focused on, who they now knew was, Lily Grace Sheppard.

She was small, but had fine bone structure just like her brother. She was very fair, but looked strong. Her hair was jet black and looked like it had been hacked off by a blind man and it was pasted up in spikes. Her head was half shaved and from what Rodney could see, she had about 13 piercings at least. Her brow,and her nose, and her lip were pierced. She had a chain from her nose to her cheek (who puts a stud in their cheek?) to her ear, she had a metal stud on her sternum and all sorts of jewelery on every limb. Rodney could not believe that this crazy goth punk elf was Sheppard's sister.

Telya thought the Colonel's sister looked nothing like a lily. She had seen pictures of Earth flowers and such from the botonists and remembered that the lily was long and graceful and conveyed peace and comfort Teyla supposed that from the way she was standing it was clear she had a warrior's training, so yes..maybe graceful. At that she had to smile, grace was in her name after all. If she remembered correctly, the lily also stood for devotion. She wondered at that and how this strange woman in front of her would come into their lives. She had never seem someone from Earth carry themselves so.

Ronan saw that her eyes were surrounded by a band of black kohl and she had more metal and leather on her body than Ronan had ever seen on anyone is any galaxy. Her face looked dead serious, there wasn't hint of the awe and wonder on her face like the other new arrivals. She looked ready to fight. Ronan knew this look, any soldier knew this look. It was defensive. He wondered what she had done or seen to be like this. He also thought she was pretty hot. Rodney would be happy.

Elizabeth saw someone who was alert and slowing taking everything in. Lily Grace's clothes were of the darkest greys and black. It also looked like they went through a shredder and were pieced back together. Her hands were handcuffed in front of her, but she look anything but restrained. She looked like she was in control, those MPs were fooling themselves Elizabeth thought. Elizabeth noted that Lily Grace was methodically, and very slowly taking in the gateroom and very unlike the rest of the new arrivals, she was taking in the faces of the Atlantis personnel as well. She had yet to make eye contact with their small group at the base of the stairs. Even though all eyes were basically on her, she chose to ignore them. She was very consciously taking her time. What struck Elizabeth as most interesting was that the look on her face was identical to the one on Colonel Sheppard's. Yup. That was his twin sister.

The man next to Lily Grace was a head taller and had sharp features. He was wearing a plaid button up shirt and khakis that looked wrinkled and disheveled. He look pretty tired himself. But he also had a smile on his face. He stood close to Lily Grace and was looking around. Whatever discomfort or interest everyone had in the woman next to him, he reflected nothing but a laid back attitude and genuine interest in what was next. His face was open and his blue eyes looked kind.

Teyla knew this must be the Beck Andrews that the Colonel had mentioned. He was clearly comfortable being next to this strange woman. Telya saw his face change when he noticed the Colonel.

"OH SHIT." Those were the (very loudly exclaimed) words that came out of Beck's mouth. His face fell slack and he nudged (must be an epidemic) the woman next to him. With a slight look of irritation she swung her face to look at him. Beck simply pointed at John with his own gaze.


	5. Chapter 5

Yay, we get to meet his sister. I always thought that Lisbeth Salander (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) was a neat character- so, I've drawn from that. I know I just cut and pasted this intro from the last chapter- but that chapter was starting to run too long. Sorry!

In my little made up universe here, Dave Sheppard doesn't exist. John's dad was still a wealthy businessman but is dead as is his mother.

Also, let me state that I am not deaf, don't have any friends who are deaf or hard of hearing, and am not insinuated into deaf culture in any way, shape, or form- other than thinking that there is a very real cultural value to deaf culture and communication. Please forgive any trespasses and assumptions, no offense is ever intended.

Don't own. Just write stories. blah.

* * *

Lily started slowly walking towards her brother. Her guards (as they were) followed to see what was going on. Everyone in the room had kind of stopped talking when Beck had yelled OH SHIT and were now parting the way for wherever she was going. It soon became clear she was headed for the group at the stairs.

For their part, John's little family stood back and looked on with interest.

As it was clear that John knew Ronan, Dr. Weir, Teyla and Rodney by their postures and attitudes, this Beck guy sidled over to them. "Hey guys, I'm Beck. You guys know about this?"

"Uh uh." Rodney said, "You?"

"Nope. If I did, I'd have brought popcorn." They all glanced at him mildly affronted at this stranger's cavalier attitude about something that was clearly so distressing to their close friend.

"Look, I love both these guys. I've know John for just about my whole life, his sister too. We've been working together for 20 years. But they're both idiots. I'm glad to see him, even now, after all this time. Even if he's not glad to see us. I'm tired of this shit."

During this little interlude John and Lily Grace had met up in the middle of the gateroom. Instead of saying anything she simply held up her handcuffed wrists in front of her. Her two guards look warily at Colonel Sheppard. This did not go unnoticed by Lily Grace. She noted how ALL the military personnel were taking their cues from her brother.

"Take 'em off" said John.

"Sir, we were told to complete the transfer in the brig..."

Colonel Sheppard cut them off "Take 'em off now. It's OK. I got it."

Warily, the guard closest to Sheppard complied.

Lily Grace stood for a moment, then made a small hand gesture [How long?]. John took a deep breath and returned a similar gesture [Five years].

At this exchange, two things were made clear. Lily Grace was deaf and Beck was probably her translator.

"huh." said Rodney.

Ronan asked "what's going on? What's all that-(he made a wiggle of his fingers)?"

Dr. Weir explained "It seems that John's sister is deaf. She can't hear. What they are doing is called sign language."

Telya slowly nodded her head. "Ah. There are so few people here with this affliction that I do not believe I have ever met anyone with a similar language (at this she cocked her head to the side in a questioning manner)."

Beck barked a laugh and said "Don't let her hear you call it an affliction! ha ha!"

Rodney rolled his eyes "hear?"

Beck rolled his eyes back at him and said "Whatever, you know what I mean. Get used to it and to us", then he stuck out his tongue at Rodney.

Ronan was gonna like this guy.

For those few moments the group had diverted their attention away from John and Lily Grace- who were just staring daggers at each other.

For her part, Lily Grace was processing the fact that her brother appeared to be in charge of the military here. She was also trying to keep her rage in check. Having his presence sprung on her like this made it seem as if the last 10 years never happened. All the rage, frustration and anger she felt all those years ago, came up like from a spring. A spring of vitriol and anger. Not that she had ever forgiven him or let go of any hate she felt for him, she hadn't even tried. Her posture didn't relax, if anything, she stood more erect, more tense.

Ronan, looking on, thought to himself- she's gonna hit him. He was pretty amused by this.

And then, she did. Or at least tried to. Apparently you can't get much past a twin brother because he caught her wrist just as quickly as she had raised it. The guards on either side of her went to restrain her, but she tore her hand from John's and throat punched one of the guards and swept the legs out from the other- all startlingly quickly.

John held up one hand and shouted "STAND DOWN! Everybody stand down!" About seven soldiers stopped in their tracks with P90s raised and aimed at his sister. The scientists had all run like mad away from the lunatic woman they saw attacking the MILITARY COMMANDER of the base and were all standing along one wall, just waiting for someone please, to show them how to get out of here!

The two guards on the ground at her feet struggled up and attempted to restrain her. John waved them off with a hand. Lily stopped and stood upright daring her brother to do SOMETHING with her eyes. It was becoming painfully obvious to everyone in the room that there was someTHING going on here.

[What the hell is the matter with you?] John signed.

[Fuck you.] replied his sister.

[Look at you! A fucking criminal?! Nice going taking care of yourself!]

[I don't need you for that, haven't EVER needed you for that and I'm doing just FINE fuck you very much. You think I whatever anyone tells me? That's your job. Fuck that noise. I'm here because I chose to be here.]

[You're here because YOU GOT CAUGHT.]

[You're dumber than I thought if you believe that, I go where I want to go. End of story.]

[Fine then. Christ. What are you doing here then?], this came from John.

[Ha! Don't you think I can ask you the same?]

John looked at his sister and sighed. [I don't hate you.]

[I hate you. I disdain you. You should try it. It's good for the skin. Does wonders for the complexion,]

John was finding it difficult to keep his emotions in check at this point. Lily had always been better at that anyway. [You're the one who left me. Remember?]

Apparently all John had to do to make Lily lose control was to say that, because right about then she lost any remaining control she may have had on her temper. It broke loose in a fury.

[Look at you! Hiding in a GALAXY away from yourself! You are SUCH A COWARD! You left me, you left him, and you left YOURSELF somewhere in a deep, dark, hole A LONG TIME AGO!]

John glanced around him- but he didn't think anyone understood sign language here [WATCH IT, LILY GRACE]

Lily sneered at him. [Look at you. Still hiding, still pretending. You are so pathetic.]

[LOOK WHO'S TALKING! You look like a maniac, you don't care what the hell anyone thinks of you or what your behavior means for other people! I know you! This (waving his hands around) isn't you!] John was fuming now.

[How would you know?!] Lily Grace took a step forward. The whole room, save for Colonel Sheppard, tensed up.

She continued signing, her fingers and arms moving in short furious gestures, ripping words into existence. John was doing the same. Their argument raged on. Both oblivious to the other around them.

* * *

Elizabeth had no idea what they were saying to each other. Whatever it was, it was not a happy conversation. Lily Grace's face was contorted with rage and John was becoming more and more angry. More angry than she had EVER seen him. Even more than anything this galaxy had ever thrown at them- wraith, genii- this was a seething anger she had never witnessed. She was becoming concerned. Should she step in? She knew the colonel wouldn't want to be doing this in front of his men.

Teyla was just at surprised at how things were unfolding. She could not imagine the hate that was flowing between the two people in front of her. John and his sister were so focused that neither seemed to be aware that they were still in the middle of the gateroom.

Ronan was thinking that this was pretty awesome. He loved watching their hands fly in some secret language. He was fascinated! He figured the twins would figure things out between them. They had to. No choice.

Rodney was kind of panicking. It didn't look good for the long term that his new recruit was going to stay. And frankly, now that'd he'd seen her, he wsa kind of scared of her. She throat punched a marine twice her size!

Then all of a sudden the lights in the room seemed to go brighter. Too bright. Chuck was saying "Uh...Dr. McKay... this console is acting weird..." Rodney tore his eyes away from the Colonel and his sister when he heard the rising tone of panic in Chuck's voice. Chuck didn't normally panic.

He ran up to the console and saw that power was fluctuating and basically going haywire. He looked up and saw that it was happening at other consoles too.

Elizabeth sensed the change of air in the room and asked Lorne to order the remaining marines to escort the scientists and new recruits to safety, out of the gateroom.

Lorne, for his part, completely agreed. The air was charged. Really. He could feel it on his skin. He wondered if other people felt it too. It felt electric. He herded the 30 or so people out of the room into the halls. Once they were safely ensconced in one of the labs, he returned to the gateroom, leaving a marine in charge of them.

Just as he returned, the side of Chuck's console blew off in a small explosion. Chuck\k squawked in surprise. John and his sister didn't even blink- they were too completely absorbed in their own world.

Dr. Weir looked to McKay- "What is happening Rodney? I need answers!"

Rodney looked very hard at the arguing pair in the middle of the room and said "...I think it's them! I think they're making Atlantis go nuts! Oh my god! Stop them fighting! They have to stop!" All around them the lights were flickering and wall panels were beginning to pop.

John did stop gesticulating and signing at this point. He looked around him and held his hand up in Lily's face. She didn't take this too well and proceeded to slap it away. That brought John's attention back to her and they started up again, with their sign fight.

"Make them stop!" Rodney was really in high alert mode now. These malfunctions weren't predictable- it had to be the fighting! Even the air around the pair looked brighter. He didn't know how or why, but he knew in his gut that the energy spikes were coming from them.

Just then both the Colonel and Lily Grace were enveloped in a red light and they both dropped to the ground in a heap. However, much to Ronan's surprise, Lily Grace immediately started to try and get up again, looking like she could actually shake off the stunner blast. Ronan couldn't believe it! He shot her again and this time she stayed down. The only other creature that he'd ever had to stun twice was a Malorkian Cliff Beast.

Everyone turned to gawk at Ronan. "What?!" he said. "You said to make them stop! I just stunned them, geez." he pouted.

Beck had taken all of this in stride, he was a very easy going type of fellow. Some time ago he plopped down on the last stair and was presently watching and taking it all in.

Dr. Weir held her hand to her ear and called Dr. Keller to the gateroom for a very strange emergency indeed.


	6. Chapter 6

I'd like to recognize Race_the_ace now, for being a big influence on me. She's been very kind in offering words of support. I can't say enough about her Becoming Conner Davids series. If I knew how to hyperlink, I would.

I'm taking her cue as far as hooking up Teyla/Lorne. I just think is a genius matching. I don't know if it will established or pre-relationship, but it will come into play later.

I don't own the characters, just write about them.

* * *

The team: Dr. Weir, Rodney, Teyla, and Ronan- along with Dr Beckett and Colonel Sheppard's 2IC- Major Lorne were all crowded in the front area of the infirmary.

They were all staring at Beck Andrews. Formal introductions had already been made. So now they were all just staring at the newcomer. Beck had a really easy-going personality. In his line of work you had to. He'd been LilyGrace's translator for going on 20 years now, ever since she became a legal adult. To be someone's else's voice for the majority of the day required a certain ability to give zero fucks at any given time. The words coming out of your mouth weren't yours and the emotions you had to convey to others weren't yours either- so being naturally laid back made him a good fit for this kind of job. That, and he just loved John Sheppard and his sister, loved them both as if they were his own siblings, which really, he thought they pretty much were.

Dr. Keller walked out of the infirmary and held up her hands in a placating gesture, "They're both fine. Even though Lily was hit TWICE (with a glare at Ronan, who just shrugged). I expect Colonel Sheppard will be out for about 3 hours, since that's been about how long these stunner blasts have affected him in the past (with another glare at Ronan, who met it with another shrug). I don't know how long Lily will be out, I'd imagine at least 3 hours. Maybe less, maybe more. I've put them in adjoining beds for now. When they wake up, I hope for the sake of my staff, that they don't pick right up where they left off. I heard it was pretty intense down there. Did the place really start to go nuts? We didn't notice anything here."

Dr. Weir looked up. She had been sitting with her face in her hands. "It certainly seemed like that. They were having a pretty intense fight and the air just got...electrified. The equipment seemed to react. Beck, could you please illuminate us as to what the hell happened between these two?"

Everyone kind of nodded their heads in agreement and sent him encouraging looks.

Beck could tell that all of these people cared deeply for John, it was obvious. And he said so, "Look, I can tell you guys know John and are all close to him. I know that's no big thing. The John I know doesn't just let anyone close."

He paused and looked down at his feet. "But it's not my story to tell."

He leaned back in his chair and banged his head against the wall, "Look, I'll tell you what I've seen and what I think about this whole mess. But that's all."

Rodney pulled his chair closer, Carson pulled up a chair as did Jennifer. Ronon stayed leaning against the wall, but edged in a little closer, as did Major Lorne. Teyla decided to just sit right down on the floor from where she was standing, and Dr. Weir was already sitting in a chair next to Beck.

Beck began, "I knew John first. He was in my class in 4th grade. I found him trying to set off rockets behind the school- man, he was so scared I was going to tell someone. But I just asked if I could light one of the fuses."

All of John's friends had to laugh at that. "Yup, I can see how you'd be besties after that!", said Jennifer. "I can't tell you how many times I've had to patch him up after some of the dumb things he does . He and Ronan here are like little boys around here sometimes."

"I'll second that," said Carson.

"Yeah, well, after that we did become really, the best of friends. I'd be over at his house all the time. Man, he had this huge house! With a huge yard and horses and shit! What kid wouldn't want to play over there, right?"

Some of John's friends still didn't know he came from money. Ronan never really said anything about it. Ronon said, "Yeah, I saw that house, the horses were neat." Everyone just kind of raised their eyebrows at this new fact- still not even really understanding HOW rich the Sheppard family was.

"Anyway," Beck continued, "I got to know Lily from being over there all the time." He looked up and smiled, "Man, she's always been something else. Stubborn. More stubborn than anything or anyone I have ever met. Strong willed? Hell. You have no idea. Lily had to go to a special school cause of being deaf and all, yeah she was born that way, so I only saw her at the house, but I really enjoyed her company- we became good friends too. John's the one who first taught me sign language. Which, by the way, he is amazing at. Some people just make the signs with their hands...John really makes it beautiful. To watch him sign...man, he's amazing, he has a real poetic and fluid flow to the signs, you're lucky to see it if you can, it's a rare thing. ANYWAY. Once I learned a little bit of sign, I was hooked, I just loved it- so it was John who taught me about deaf culture and eventually I went to college for it, and to be professional translator."

Beck had gotten off course just a little bit, not that this wasn't all interesting, but Elizabeth got him back on track "What got between them?"

"Ha!" laughed Beck, "Themselves!"

He went on, "We always remained close, all the way up until John went into the Air Force. I don't know what to say, you'd have to know BOTH of them to understand why this was so unforgivable to Lily Grace. She couldn't join the military for obvious reasons, and she saw it as an abandonment. She knew John was smart enough to do anything he wanted, but she saw John choosing flying as choosing IT over HER. I think being twins, they loved each other so much that sometimes it's blinding. Flying was just something John couldn't NOT do. He had to do it. I saw it, I understood it. Still do. But, man, to Lily she just couldn't get over it. The Air Force started to make all the decisions for John, he couldn't even get away to see her anymore. I mean that's just how it goes, you join the military and you give up your freedom to ensure everybody's else's. Lily thought he was giving up his free will."

"And to someone like her, this is... not OK. I don't know exactly how she thinks of him now. I think she thinks he gave up too much, just to fly. In a funny way, I think she's most angry, because she's afraid he's not happy."

Everyone just sat a minute soaking in what Beck had said. While he didn't really reveal anything new, the perspective was new. They could understand now a little bit of the conflict between them.

"As far as John, I mean, he's Air Force. He's stubborn too. I think he's willing to give up a part of himself to help others. It's his nature. He's always gonna be the one to sacrifice, to stand in the way. And I mean, Lily's opposite- she's not giving up ANY part of herself- not for you, not for me, and not even for John."

Beck had a far away look in eyes as he began to recount, "One time, I dunno, we were maybe 18? 19?- some girls were getting a hard time by some nasty looking guys outside a bar we were going into. The girls were trying to extricate themselves and I mean, it was kind of scary. I went to a payphone to call 911, but John, he just marched right up and put his face between those girls and 3 baseball bats. Didn't even think about. Ended up in the hospital for a week."

Teyla looked up at Beck and smiled, "Yes, this sounds like our John."

Beck had a surprising response, "You think you know him, huh?"

They all burst into various protests "Of course!" "He's my best friend!" "I've fought next to him, so yeah!"

Beck just nodded, "Yeah, you know what he's like, but you don't know what he's given up. You just don't. And it's not my place to tell you. You'll have to ask him that yourself."

"Speaking of which," said Elizabeth, "I think we need to let them both wake up in peace. I'm sure John will come to us when he's ready. So (with a pointed look to Ronan and Rodney) leave him be. I'm sure he does not need us pressuring him right now with any questions we may have."

And with that and one last reassurance from Jennifer that she would make sure they were alright, they all stood up to leave.


	7. Chapter 7

I don't know anything about genetics or terminology, just kind of made some stuff up.

If you're reading this, please take a minute to leave a review- it'd make my day!

* * *

In the infirmary, Elizabeth Weir and Beck Andrews were seated between the two beds hold the dozing Colonel and his sister.

Beck had changed in to what was apparently his "I'm working outfit"- a tailored vest with matching pressed slacks, white dress shirt and tie. He looked very nice, very different from his earlier clothes. He was sitting more upright and was less open in his face. However, he was chatting quite happily with the Atlantis crew.

They had just settled down into their chairs when Elizabeth asked him "So, Mr. Andrews, what do you think so far?"

"Well, Major Lorne showed me where our quarters are going to be- and they were pretty cool. I don't have the magic gene but its still pretty awesome. I still cant believe it. Even though I'm sitting in a different GALAXY- the adventure that Lily has brought on us. I mean, throwing her brother back into our too?! Crazy man! I'll tell you what, 2 months ago I sure as hell didn't see this coming!" he continued, "BUT, I think this is destiny. Lily and John are not meant to be apart. They're just not."

It was tempting to Elizabeth to ask him to elaborate, but she promised herself and made the others agree that John would reveal anything that should be revealed, himself. Instead, she asked him "How did you come to work for Ms. Sheppard? What exactly do you do?"

"Well," replied Beck "Like I said, I've know the Sheppards forever. When we all turned into adults it became very clear that for Lily to accomplish what she wanted to do, as quickly as she wanted to do it- I mean to say, that as strong willed as she is- she was going to need a full time translator. Her trust fund more than supports my salary and man, this is like a dream come true for me. It suits me. From whatever her 'working hours' are - which we try to nail down on a week by week basis, I am her voice. I am not Beck Andrews from the hours of 9-5 or whatever, I am Ms. Sheppard's speaker. That's all. Simple."

"Is it really as simple as that?" asked Elizabeth.

"It is for me, " Beck smiled.

"Well, I'd like to give John his privacy when he wakes up. Please give Ms. Sheppard my warmest welcome, and let me know if you need anything. Just a heads up, Dr. McKay can get some getting used to," she said with a wink as she stood up to leave.

"Well, something tells me he's about to meet his match, 'cause Ms. Sheppard here's no picnic either- that's what people tell me anyway"; he returned the wink and settled down to wait for Lily Grace to wake up.

* * *

On the other side of the infirmary, in the lab, Drs McKay, Beckett, and Keller were all hunched over a computer running simulations of the effect of different ATA gene strengths on ancient technologies.

"For the last time Rodney, I am NOT drawing blood from her without her permission! This is not an emergency right now!" Keller sounded like she was losing her patience.

"Now, now children, play nice." said Carson.

"What? It's not like she's going to miss it, she won't care! She has like 50 piercings! What's a little blood sample?!" Rodney knew he wan't going to win but figured it was worth a shot.

Carson opted to try and discuss theories "So, let's try and just come up with a few theories for now, OK Rodney? The lass will be awake soon enough."

Keller started, "OK, so we have plenty of people here with the gene. Granted no one comes nearly as close to the density occurance of it in the DNA as Colonel Sheppard. Most people have the ATA gene expressed in maybe one out of every 100,000 strands in their DNA; the colonel's density occurance is more like one expression of the gene in every 1,000 strands."

Carson and Rodney looked up at this "Really?! What the hell!", "Oh Crikey!". Apparently neither of them were aware of just how strong the gene expression was in him. Jennifer had had a lot more time to work on her lab studies of the ATA gene ever since Carson came back from visiting is mother in Scotland. Now that the infirmary had two full time attending physicians, she had more time to devote to genetic studies and Carson had more time to hold wellness clinics off world. They were BOTH much happier now that the head honchos finally approved this change after 3 years of requests, bribes, and finally begging.

"Yeah" Jennifer continued, "I am very interested to see how Lily's blood measures up. And what reason is there behind two people POSSIBLY having a really strong gene presence in causing the ancient technology its supposed to work WITH- to go haywire?!"

Rodney wondered aloud "Yeah, is it the mere presence of the gene or was it linked to them both getting seriously, emotionally, out of control?"

Carson said "Well now, there's a certain kind of beauty to that idea isn't there? To have such a strong emotional connection to the city that it reacts to you? I wonder if she was reacting to John or to his sister?

Jennifer laughed "and by SHE you mean Atlantis?"

Rodney had the artificially created ATA gene , but Jennfer's body never took up the gene effectively. Carson, however, was one of the few dozen expedition members with a natural occurance of, albeit on a much smaller level the colonel's.

"Well aye," Carson replied sheepishly. "Now stop teasing me, you know what I meant!"

Jennifer stood up and stretched her back , "Well we're not getting anywhere until we get a sample from Ms. Sheppard, so you men will have to excuse me, I have other patients to attend to."

"Aye, so do I, see you Rodney, we'll let you know what we find. " Carson and Jennifer put on their white coats and went into the patient treatment areas, leaving Rodney to fiddle with the simulations a few more minutes before he too got up and left the lab. He figured he'd go yell at Zalenka until crazy girl woke up.


	8. Chapter 8

I'm finding pacing my story really tough! I hope anyone reading this isn't losing patience with me, please stick with me and be patient...first time story writer here :)

I have to admit, I'm publishing this as I write, and I kind of hate the name I gave my character (Lily Grace, it doesn't suit her now at all!... advice please! ha ha ha! I'm going to have to try and come up with something...

Don't own any of these characters (except a couple), just write about them.

* * *

John came awake slowly. He realized immediately where he was and it didn't take him too much longer to remember how he ended up here. Ronan! He was going to have to talk to him about his " stun first, ask forgiveness later" policy.

Colonel Sheppard looked over and saw Beck smiling at him. Beck was still seated in between John and his sister.

"Hey Beck. Long time huh?"

"Yup." Beck and John, pretty much understood each other or at least they each thought they understood each other. They'd been good friends their whole lives, essentially family.

"Man, what are you doing out here John?" Beck was looking genuinely puzzled at his old friend.

A minute passed before John answered. He was slowly beginning to sit up and get his bearings.

"I can't answer that right now." John said.

Beck finally started to show an emotion other than relaxed contentment at that. "You know what John? You owe me more than that. You owe YOUR SISTER more than that. You had best come up with something better than that bullshit before you talk to her again. Or else that big scary dude's gonna end up shooting you both again."

John looked down at his feet then stood up. "I know I do. I know I owe everybody an explanation. I just, I can't."

"Bullshit." shouted Beck. "Can't what? Can't say the words? Can't form a thought? Can't form a sentence?!... Don't give up on us just because your dad did."

John inhaled sharply and looked up at Beck and said "Old habits die hard", then John pushed himself away from the bed, he looked at his old friend and said "I'm glad to see you. I really am," and walked out of the infirmary.

* * *

Beck sighed. That man was a first class moron. He was watching Colonel John Sheppard walk out of the infirmary. He was missing something. He knew he must be missing something. He thought back tp 10 years ago...

He remembered when he and Lily were working with some guys in SanFrancisco trying to come up with new security protocols for some start-up firm. He lost track of all the independent contracting Lily did back then. Back when Lily Grace Sheppard still existed. Which, point of fact, she hasn't for the past 9 and a half years or so.

Back then, when they lived in the apartment that overlooked the Bay, the work Lily took on was boring, but pretty darn lucrative. Lily only needed the Sheppard family money for about 2 years after she started working on her own. After word got out about her talents, she could find tech work anywhere in California that she wanted to, and demand any salary that she cared to. Beck didn't really follow any of the the tech or work stuff Lily did, all he did was translate- his brain kind of turned off when he was at work, in fact he had to turn off his brain while he was working. His brain didn't enter into the equation in Lily's work, not that way- so he actually didn't know much about her work, even after 20 years of translating for her.

His thoughts went back to the summer they lived in that apartment over the Bay. He remembered toward the end of their 8 wk contract, she said she had to go back to Malibu. The team was polishing up the final presentation for the company that hired them to do whatever it was they hired Lily's team for...and she had Beck call the other team members at 1am one night to tell them all that she had to go. She gave up her share of the fee, in acknowledgement, of the situation she was leaving them in (even though she left them in plenty good shape) and she left without him in the middle of the night. She said it was personal and no business was transpiring, so she left him to pack up the apartment before the start of their next contract in ... Osaka. Yeah, it was supposed to be in Japan.

Lily left on (technically) a Friday morning. Beck didn't hear back from her until two or three weeks later. He had had to call the Japanese firm to postpone the start of their contract. When Lily finally showed up, she didn't speak to him for 3 days. Malibu was where the Sheppard family home was. Whatever happened was between either Lily and her dad, who at the time still lived there, or between her and John. Back then, John had been in the military for a long time already, and it was exactly as Lily feared, he couldn't get away to see her as often, and everytime they saw him he was different, he was turning into the soldier that is now. He still didn't know who she met, or if she even met anyone down there. She never talked about her trip. Not once in the past 10 years. When she finally did speak to Beck, after she got back, it was to say that she needed to 'disappear' for a while. He hadn't understood what she meant at the time, but over the next few weeks, she asked Beck for all his ID's and all his background information, she never even asked him if he was OK with following her down whatever rabbit hole she was going into. She didn't really need to, he'd follow her anywhere, but still, it rankled at the time. Eventually it became clear that she was creating new identities for them both. She was exceedingly thorough. Lily Grace Sheppard simply dropped off the face of the planet. She never owned another apartment, she never forwarded her mail to a new address, she never got another job. On paper she simply disappeared. Point of fact, so did Beck Andrews. Technically the names on the papers the US Government had were Grace Pearson and Percy Newbolt. Since Beck continued to translate for Lily, he had gotten used to calling her Grace and he kind of preferred it to Lily Grace anyway.

Grace continued to work, but the work changed. She didn't work with anyone else, didn't take on public contracts, she simple had Beck as her reprasentative, selling her work to the highest bidder, and taking on jobs, some frighteningly illegal, as a hacker. Another persona born- Lillium Duo. So here they were. On an Alien Space City. In another galaxy.

"Man, Grace. What have you gotten us into now?" he sighed.


	9. Chapter 9

***When Beck is translating for Grace, it will appear as text in "quotes" as if she were actually speaking them.***

It's coming, I swear, the big reveal or whatever happened to make them so mad at each other.

And I realize there are plot holes big enough to drive a puddle jumper through, but I'm kind of stupid that way.

* * *

Grace awoke from the stunner blast very suddenly, sitting bolt upright and scaring the living daylights out of Dr. Beckett who had just come to check on her. The staff had left her in her civilian clothes and hadn't removed any of her piercings or jewelry. They were all pretty familiar with Ronon's stunner and its effects, they knew she'd be fine.

"Oh my sainted aunt! You gave me a fright lass. I'm Dr. Beckett, I'll be your attending physician here in the City, we have another doctor on staff as well, her name is Dr. Keller. How are you feeling?"

Beck had stood up to stand to the side of Carson, on his right and translated this into sign language for her.

"Fine." Lily signed.

Carson understood now. Beck had signed his question to Ms. Sheppard (who the heck is Grace Pearson?! He was going to have to talk to Elizabeth about the paperwork) and Beck verbalized her signed response.

"When can I go?" she signed. Beck had spoken the actual words, but Carson kept his eyes on his patient the whole time.

Carson muttered under his breath, "yup, just like him...", he did look a bit abashed when he saw Beck sign this to his patient.

"Well, the daft fool left here without checking with me first! I don't care if he's been stunned 500 times by that other daft idiot, I have a job to do, and I can't do it if my patients leave behind my back!" He looked even more abashed after his rant.

"Forgive me lassie. It's just his usual hijinks. So you're feeling ok?" He quickly ran through his post stunner blast exam, and she seemed fine. "Would you mind my dear, if we, uh, that is Dr. Keller and I would like a blood sample from you."

"Why?" she signed.

"Oh, you must know about the ATA gene. And well, we're all very interested to see how your DNA expresses it, if at all. I mean after the light show you and the Colonel put on down in the gateroom we all have our theories... and a blood sample would illuminate a few things for us."

"No. I'd like to go to my room now."

Carson looked a bit crestfallen, "OK, aye, of course. Would you consider maybe later? We really do need a sample anyway at some point. We like to keep all staff and personnel blood in storage in case of emergency, at least a pint. OK? You can do that later. I know you just got here. I don't want to overwhelm you with procedure and protocols. But you are here now, and for the safety of the city, you have to live by the same rules as we all do."

Beck translated all of this to her. She responded with "Am I free to go now?"

"Yes, lassie. But you have to come back later for a complete physical in the next week, otherwise I will send for you."

She turned to Beck, [I need to get out of here B, do you know where to go?]

[Yeah, they showed me your and my quarters while you were conked out, I think I can find them again. Your duffel is already there]

[Then let's go. Please. I Can't be HERE right now.]

[OK, OK, let's go, just try to be more polite to people OK?]

Grace turned to Carson who had been curiously observing the exchange, "Thank you Dr. Beckett. I will be back".

She hopped off the bed and with Beck leading the way, they went in search of her new quarters.

Carson radio'ed the colonel "Colonel Sheppard? I thought you'd like to know, our latest resident is fine, she and her translator went to her quarters."

* * *

The rest of the day went pretty routinely for the rest of Atlantis. There was an established schedule to days when new recruits came and Major Lorne was always the one in charge of getting all the new people from the gateroom, to their quarters, then to either the quartermaster or their lab section leaders. Since Colonel Sheppard was taking a personal day it seemed, he just continued on doing what he'd do normally. Save for the excitement in the Gateroom, everything was going fine.

He was surprised to see his commanding officer walking towards him. "Dr. Beckett know you're out?"

"Watch it Major..." said the Colonel without any real sting behind it.

"I was just checking in to see how New Recuit day was going"

"Fine sir."

They had been walking toward one of the training rooms where Ronan and/or Teyla would be orienting the the recruits on their training schedules which they had to complete before they were cleared for off world teams. When they arrived at the room and before they stepped in Major Lorne turned to John and asked "Sir, if I may ask, is everything OK? We've all heard that Grace is your sister. I guess you guys had a falling out?"

John leaned on the wall for a moment. "Yeah. You could say that. I can't believe she's here. Its been a long time. I know we're going to have to work out our differences, but I think it's best for both of us if we steer clear of each other for a while."

"City's not that big sir."

"I know. I have some off world missions coming up and she's going to have to get settled into working with McKay, so really, I think it'll be OK for now. Thanks for asking."

He pushed off from the wall and they both went into the training room.

Ronan was just tossing some newbie over his shoulder when they entered. He hit the ground with a thud and an "ugh". All the new recruits looked about 12 years old to Ronan. But he knew that most of them would be OK, they'd train up alright as long as they listened to him. The soldier, Hanson was his name, scrambled up and said "Sorry sir, I saw the throw coming, but didn't react fast enough. I should have swept out your left leg"

"Damn right. That might have worked. NEXT!"...

Teyla walked over to the colonel and the major and said "Colonel, I am glad to see you are well. Should you not be spending time with your sister?"

John sighed. He figured he'd be having the conversation he just had outside the room a lot more times before this day was through. "Yeah. I should." is all he said.

Teyla, who probably understood him best of all his Atlantis family, simple said "Do not wait too long. It would be unhealthy for both of you I suspect."

John gave her a sidelong glance at that but said "Yeah. I know." He saw that everything was going well so he decided he'd go have a similar conversation with Elizabeth, before she came to him

* * *

John left the training and went straight to Elizabeth's office. Everyone in the halls were staring or gaping at him as he walked by. He knew people were just curious about what the hell was going on between him and his sister, but damn it! that was his own business. By the time he got to her office he was starting to lose it, just a little.

Elizabeth saw him coming and stood up to meet him. "John, Hi. How are you? How is Ms. Sheppard?"

"I'm fine. As far as I know, she's still out of it."

They stood awkwardly for a moment before Elizabeth said "...um, it's going to be a little tricky with the paperwork. ALL of her paperwork has the wrong name on it! I don't know what to do!"

John said "eh. Just leave it. I figure it'll cause less problems. I know who she is, you know who she is. What's the big deal?"

"John. Come on, we can't just leave it. It's a false identity!"

"Yes, Elizabeth, you CAN just leave it. Believe me. It'll just create more problems if you try and change it. If and when my sister decides to rejoin the world under our family name, she can take care of it."

Dr. Weir seemed to struggle with the dilemma a few moments before acquiescing. "OK. I guess you're right. It seems so WRONG though."

"Welcome to the Dark Side Dr. Weir" he said with a grin.

Since the mood lightened just a bit, John took advantage and said "Look. Elizabeth, I know i owe everyone an explanation. And I will explain. I promise. I just...I never thought I'd ever see her again. I thought I came to terms with that idea a long time ago. And now...she's here...and I want to fix US. I do. But...it's going to take some time. And believe me, we both need time to figure this out. So I'm going to go on these missions we have coming up. Really, I'm fine. They should all be cakewalks. And in a few days, I'll go see her. I seriously doubt she's going to come in search of me."

Dr. Weir looked in his eyes and saw that he was thinking clearly. "OK John. But I can't have you compromised or preoccupied when you go on these missions. You understand that right? This place, this world..you need to be present and accounted for. I need you here, all of you- mind and body. Take your time. But be safe."

"Thanks Elizabeth, Thanks for understanding" John stood up to leave.

Elizabeth called after him "John, good luck, I hope it works out. I'm glad you have some family here. And I'd hate to have to space one of you."


	10. Chapter 10

FINALLY. He's going to tell his team what happened. Geeez. Took me long enough.

I made up a few characters, all the others I didn't, I just write this story.

* * *

Over the next few days everything went pretty normally. SGA1 went on three off world missions, all for trading purposes. And they all went smoothly. There were no emergencies and alliances were strengthened. The scientists absorbed their new members and teams were rearranged to accommodate everyone's strengths and weaknesses. Grace was working with McKay and Zalenka on various city-wide protocols and security measures. All was going well. If only because John and Grace never crossed paths.

John's team thought he was avoiding the issue. Even though Dr. Weir had them all meet together (without John) and she explained what he had expressed to her, most of the team took Ronan's point of view that he should JUST FACE IT. GO TALK TO HER. Ronan was having a hard time understanding and was finding it harder and harder to keep quiet. Teyla at first thought that taking it slow was fine, but even she started to feel that John should approach his sister soon.

"I do not understand. I know that John said he needed time. But time for what? What is going to change? He needs to go speak with her. Perhaps we should talk to him about this. We could offer support." Teyla said. She, Ronan and Rodney were all eating lunch in the mess hall.

"I dunno. Grace is working out really well. I don't want her to leave." Teyla kicked Rodney.

"What?! I mean at first I thought she was a complete freak, just look at her! But you know what? She's like the perfect office mate. She's quiet. She works hard, and she doesn't talk." That got him a kick from Ronan.

"What?! Geez! No, I'm serious! She's like a savant or something when it comes to ancient technology. If I didn't know better, and maybe I don't, but I think she's had access to the basics for a lot longer than anybody thought. We've already moved beyond syncing Earth tech to Ancient tech- she had our systems up too 87% after two days of being here. Kavannaugh about lost it when she dumped his entire program off the systems. But it worked, she clearly has a connection to the city, I just know it. I bet she's talking to Atlantis. I know Carson can! I I really think John is WAY more connected to the city than he lets on." Rodney went on "I mean, Of course I want them to work out their differences. I'm glad that Jeannie and I did. Really I am...I just, I want to finish the project we're working on first...I'd hate to.. OW! Stop kicking me!"

"Who's kicking you McKay? I'll kick their ass!" John smiled as he walked up to his team.

Teyla glanced at everyone around the table before she grasped John's hand and guided him to sit down. "Colonel. John, we are just concerned about you."

"You don't need to be." He pulled his hand back, stood up, and walked away.

"Well that went well. Aces, Teyla...JESUS! STOP KICKING ME!" Ronon just laughed and said "He's stubborn. But he's not dumb. We should trust him on this."

* * *

Grace and Beck were settling in pretty well. They pretty much kept to themselves, they didn't interact with the other expedition members if they didn't have to. Which is pretty much how the last 10 years on Earth went anyway, so it really wasn't that different. Beck found that he liked the manic panic presence of Rodney McKay- he got a real kick out of the guy and he was fun as hell to translate for.

Grace was amazed at everything around her. She was lost in the technology and the city. Rodney was right, she did have a deep connection to Atlantis. Right when she stepped into the gateroom that first day she felt a calm wash over her, she felt an overwhelming sense that this place, this new city was 'home'. The fact that her brother was here seemed like a cosmic joke. She finally felt at home, at peace, after years of wanderlust... and John was here. The person who took that feeling of 'home' away from her all those years ago was living here. It was all too much to feel at one time. She remembered yelling at him, asking what right did he have to judge her, all the old angry sores being pulled open... How could tell her what she should or should not be doing with her life, how could HE decide, after what he did?!...but she pushed all those emotions aside and worked, and got lost in the warm embrace of Atlantis.

* * *

It took John 22 days to gather up the courage to tell his friends, his Atlantis family about his past. The one he tried to escape. The one he left behind in Earth.

He was so terrified. He thought back to the words Teyla spoke to him on the pier 'In my heart I know...' and in his heart he DID know, he trusted that they would forgive him his mistakes and accept his past as a part of him. He knew that trying to forget his past was futile, it's what made him the person he is today. He KNEW that they trusted him. That they loved him. But he was still terrified.

* * *

Well, this day had gone to hell in a handbasket. The mission had started off well enough, they had been visiting an alliance planet, PX-P53, whom they had established good relations with to trade irrigation technology for a chicken-like animal for Atlantis. Man, Colonel Sheppard really loved those Chickeny little birds. The chefs in the mess could make an almost perfect chicken-y pot pie with them back on Atlantis. Those pot pies were worth fighting for. While they were discussing terms for a new trade agreement, an earthquake had hit. Now it had turned into a search and rescue mission.

John was covered in dust. This civilization had progressed to rough stone dwellings and large adobe structures. About half of them had collapsed. Fortunately there was a small quake before the large one that took down most of the buildings. And most fortunately of all, the majority of the villagers were out on a hunt for the chicken-y birds. But about a dozen townsfolk were presumed to be in the rubble and he and his team had searched all day for them. John considered it a blessing that there was only 1 fatality, an elderly man who died from a penetrating wound.

Dr. Beckett and his team were on the ground treating the many wounded. Some severe, some just scratches. The quake had happened midmorning, it was now long past dinner time. Carson came over to John and said "Lad, you look terrible. Is anyone on your team hiding any injuries I should know about?"

"No doc. We were all outside when it happened. We're just scraped up from lifting debris and rubble."

"Ok then son, Head back to Atlantis, that's an order. Wash up. I'll check on all of ye later"

"OK doc. Thanks."

John radio'd for his team to meet up at the gate and in 10 minutes they were all in the locker room in Atlantis taking off all their dusty gear and looking pretty much like they had been through hell.

Of course now would be the time John would decide to open up. He sunk onto a bench and said aloud "I'm tired guys."

Rodney said "duh. Me too. And I'm hungry. Let's go eat."

"No" John said, "I'm tired of... this. I need to talk to you guys. I'm ready now."

Ronan and Teyla exchanged relieved, but tired looks.

"Now? But I'm ...tired! and ... hungry! and...oh alright." said Rodney "can I get a sandwich first? Then I guess can we all just go sit somewhere for this? I don't think I can stand much longer."

"OK" said John. I'll be in my quarters.


	11. Chapter 11

I can't believe it took me 12,000 words to get here! ha ha ha! Sheppard finally talks to his team. I hope you guys are sticking with me, I know I meander a bit. But hopefully, some of you are getting some fun out of this story :)

In this universe of mine DADT is still in effect.

I don't own any of these character, if I did, they'd STILL be on TV.

* * *

While Rodney went to get some food, Teyla and Ronan stayed in the locker room after Colonel Sheppard left to go to his quarters.

"What do you think he's gonna tell us?" asked Ronan.

"Truly, I have no idea" Teyla spoke. "Have you been watching him as of late? He is not doing well. It would seem like he is not sleeping and he is not as focused as he should be. I am glad that we have not had any encounters with the wraith or hostiles lately, I'm not sure he would withstand the pressure."

"Yeah, I know. He hasn't been to spar with me in weeks. Well. Hopefully after today, that'll change."

"Ronan, whatever is going on, I suspect this is just the beginning." By now they had lingered at least 5 or 10 minutes, and were ready to follow the colonel to his quarters.

Outside his room , they saw Dr. McKay approaching. Teyla stopped everyone before they rang the chime on his door. "I know I do not need to say this, BUT" she was look at Rodney, "but we are here to listen. Now that the colonel is ready to talk, we must be supportive and encouraging friends".

"Hey! I can be encouraging and supportive!" he protested.

"McKay, that's lie and you know it. Just keep your mouth shut in there." retorted Ronan.

"Humph. Fine. But whatever. John is my best friend. He knows me. He knows what I'm like." said Rodney before palming the chime on the door.

The door slid open with a whoosh and they went inside.

The colonel was sitting on his bed and looked like he just walked from the locker room to sink down where he was sitting now. He still looked filthy and hadn't cleaned up any of his scrapes and scratches yet.

Rodney looked at him. He thought John looked terrible. He had spent so much time lately in the labs with Grace he didn't notice that over the past three weeks it looked like John lost about 10 pounds, weight his skinny ass couldn't really afford to lose. His black uniform was hanging off him. His face was drawn and pinched looking, more than just today's long day etched into it. His hair was dusty and dirty, and he had little scratches all over his hands and arms.

John looked up at his friends and said "Hey guys." His voice sounded rough, as if he hadn't spoken in days and his eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot. His room was a mess. Normally, John kept is room in military fashion- sparse, organized, and clean. Clothes were on the floor, dust had settled. There was a bottle of scotch on the nightstand that was almost empty, and it looked as if John had at some point punched his wall in a fit of anger. His friends didn't miss any of this, but chose to focus on the man in front of them.

Teyla and Ronan pulled over his desk chair and a sitting chair he had in the corner of the room. Teyla pushed one of the chairs over to Rodney, while she sat down next to John on the bed. Rodney and Ronan settled into their chairs across from him, close.

"I don't know where to start guys." John said quietly. They had to strain to hear him, even though they were all sitting close.

"John, we are your friends, your family, you do not need to be afraid." Of course,this came from Teyla.

John had yet to look any at any of his friends. Teyla put her hand on his knee. They all sat there for a few minutes before he said "I didn't tell you about... any of this... because you didn't ask." He looked Rodney directly in the eyes with that statement.

"What?! Colonel, how would we know what to ask?! Jesus, what the hell are you talking about? What were we supposed to ask? Are we supposed to ask 'HOW YA DOIN'? EVERYDAY or ELSE YOU'LL FALL APART? What the hell? Were we supposed to ask 'HEY COLONEL DO YOU HAVE A MYSTERY TWIN SISTER WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT-"

"No, Rodney," John interrupted, "I COULDN'T tell you because, you didn't ASK." He didn't break eye contact with the scientist. John could see when it registered in McKay's mind. Rodney paled, and his eyes got big as plates.

"What?" he whispered. "No. But, no. I mean.. not you! What? Are you shitting me Colonel?"

Teyla and Ronan exchanged confused looks. Ronan said "I don't get it."

Rodney, who still looked stunned, turned looked to them and said "Don't Ask Don't Tell".

Teyla and Ronan still had blank looks on their faces.

"I'm gay." Whispered John. All the tension and all the fear he had been holding onto, broke through, he broke out into a gasped sob. He put the back of his hand up to his mouth and tried to remain in control. He kept his eyes at his feet.

At this proclomation, Teyla and Ronan also looked surprised. They both knew what gay meant obviously, they just hadn't expected this of John Sheppard. Not in one million lifetimes. They didn't know what to say. Everyone was speechless.

But John went on, "I am a soldier, through and through. Ronan, you understand that right?"

"Damn straight, you're a good one too. I don't care if you're gay or whatever." Ronan said gruffly.

John looked his friend in the eye and said "Thank you. You, you really have no idea what that means to me. You just don't." He was openly crying now, but continued his story, "I am a soldier. I'm a pilot in the Air Force. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be doing exactly what I'm doing right now. This job? What we do everyday? I can't imagine any other life for me."

His friends didn't know where he was going with his story so remained silent. Except for Rodney, "It this what came between you and Grace? She's a fucking bigot?! Your own sister is a homophobe?!"

John cough a sob out and said "No, no of course not. She's mad at me because of something I did, a choice I made a long time ago."

He paused a moment before going on, "When I was 15 my dad found me...making out with another guy, he was a couple of years older than me ... his name was...Craig. Craig and I used to fool around in high school, just a bit of fun, you know? When my dad found us...he, uh...he, he didn't take it so well. I ended up on living on the streets for a year until I turned 16. That's when we came into our trust funds. Grace had wanted to come with me, but I told her to stick it out at home, but you guys know her a little by now... A few weeks after I had left home she found me in some shelter. She had a duffel with her, and that was it. She stuck by me. She gave up our home, she turned her back on our father, to be with me. And we did OK for that year. When we came into our money, we got an apartment, got settled in time for me to apply properly to the Air Force."

"I... uh, when I was about 20, I met a man. I had been in the Air Force a few years already. I met him while I was on leave, I met him surfing in Hawai'i. He was so beautiful, and he was nice to me, and he thought I was funny. He...he, I mean we, we fell in love. God, it sounds so cheesy, but I loved him so much. And he loved me. He knew I was in the Air Force. He understood that. We were going to make it work. I thought we could..." With a strangled cry, he had to stop his story for a moment as he gathered his thoughts again. "I'm sorry guys. I don't know why I'm falling apart here. Just gimme a minute."

"John," said Teyla "if this is what you needed to tell us. You need not worry. I am not averse to the idea that you prefer men, I am sure none of us are-"

"Just let me finish, ok?...I just need a sec." said John holding up his hand. A few moments later he continued.

"We were together almost 10 years before things fell apart ." John said.

Rodney just muttered "stupid fucking government needs to keeps it's laws in it's own bedrooms...jesus."

"Ten years...Oh John..." Teyla grasped his hand.

"When things went FUBAR in Afghanistan, I was missing for two weeks. Holland didn't make it, and I got a black mark on my record." John had a haunted look on his face but struggled on, the words coming out as if it were painful.

"Coop, that's his name- Cooper... well, no one had notified Coop, no one could. No one knew about us. So he had to learn from Grace that I was missing. I'll never forgive myself for putting him through that. He couldn't contact my superiors or anyone in the Air Force, so he just had to sit and wait by himself."

"After I was found, the Air Force put me on forced leave for two weeks with an option for an early honorable discharge.. I went home to Coop and he looked even worse than I did. When he found out I wasn't going to take the discharge, but go back, he...he didn't understand. That decision, that choice I made, to come back into the Air Force, that's what finally made him leave me. "

"He said he could never live through another period like that, when I was missing. He left me, because he didn't want to see me die, or hear about me being killed from Grace. He didn't think all the sacrifices we had to make were worth it."

John looked down at Teyla's hand that was within his own and took a deep breath. "After he packed up his stuff and left, I drove around for days. I didn't know where I was going until I was there. I drove all night and all day and ended up at my father's house. It was empty. The house was shuttered up- he must have been traveling overseas or something. It didn't matter, I didn't want to see him. He could have been on the East Coast. I don't know. I broke in, emptied out the medicine cabinets and tried to kill myself there."

John looked up at his friends, they all had tears in their eyes. He quickly looked away. He was so ashamed. "I woke up in the hospital. I have no idea how or why Grace found me. She said she knew. She knew she had to go home. She had driven down from where she and Beck were living at the time- in the middle of the night- and she found me. I died two times that night. Once in the ambulance and again in the emergency room before the doctors were able to purge the drugs out of my body. It was a few days before I was lucid and remembered what happened. I freaked out that the Air Force would find out what I did, but Grace- for some reason-had given them a false ID, she knew I'd have gotten a psyche discharge. She wanted to know the whole story before anyone decided anything for me- she was looking out for me...again."

"And then I let her down too, just like I let Coop down. I couldn't give up my life in the military. I just couldn't. I wanted to go back into the Air Force. I chose to come back, even after everything that happened. I lost Coop, so I figured where else could I possibly go? What else could I lose? Well, that's when Grace left me too."

He dropped his face in to his hands and just sat there taking in big shuddering breaths. "After I woke up in the hospital and I let her know I wanted to come back, she never came back to see me. I don't think she can ever forgive me for what I did back at our dad's house. She had found me, saved me, and I still turned my back on her. Can you blame her? Christ, I'm such a fuck up. I never saw her again until she came here."

* * *

-Ack! So what do you think?! Leave a review please! NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE BEG FOR REVIEWS. I PROMISE I WILL LEAVE MORE REVIEWS- ha ha ha ha! OMG I make me laugh...


	12. Chapter 12

I'm having fun putting this down on paper, I hope there are some of you out there that are enjoying reading it :)

If I owned any of this stuff, they'd still be TV.

* * *

John sat with his face towards the floor, he was taking in shaky, hitching breaths. "You guys understand now? You see why she can't stand the sight of me? Look how I treated her! Look how I treated both of them. I love them both so much, but I pushed them away. I, I don't know what to do."

He stood up now, and was becoming agitated. "Do you know what it's like? To have to lie EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE to people you care about about WHO YOU ARE? I'm on FIRE, I can feel it in my chest!" John was clutching at his shirt and pounding his fist against his chest, "I can feel it BURNING EVERYDAY, every moment! I can feel myself burning up from the inside!"

Ronon looked at his friend and and felt defeated. How could he possibly understand what the Colonel had been going through his whole life? Ronan figured his existence was pretty simple. He had friends, he got to fight the wraith, he was good. He couldn't imagine have to keep such a big secret from everyone you loved. Sateda had gays of course. He figured the universe was pretty much the same everywhere as far as people were concerned. There would always be hateful people, people who looked down on and judged those who were different, but Ronan didn't really have time for that. The wraith had wanted to kill every human just the same , gay or not. So on Sateda, as long as you could fight, it was never an issue, not with him anyway. There were the people who made it an issue yeah, but those guys were idiots. But thinking on it...yeah...the gays on Sateda weren't really as well respected- even if they did fight good, even if they were strong- the people who chose to bed with the same kind- were kind of shunned. He never gave it much thought, and now it made him sad. And he knew of violence against them too... turns out people were the same on Earth he guessed.

He looked at his friend and said "I'm sorry. It must be hard." Those were the only words he could think of and felt a little stupid. He didn't know how to help. He prayed in his mind that Teyla would make it right. That she'd have some comfort for his buddy.

Teyla's thought were running much the same as Ronan's. Athosians were a family oriented people- their entire value was placed in fighting the wraith by continuing to live on - on passing down their culture the only way they could- through family. So even if you were drawn to the same sex, you married and had children- it was your duty. But, these 'forced' unions (people were never truly forced, most felt a duty to have children) were never happy. Inevitably, the mother's family would take on caring for the children if the husband and wife chose to live apart- which happened more often than not, even if it was the mother who was gay. Her people were not a hateful society, there was never any harm done to gays, but still...they were considered...different. She herself had not really tried to get to know, truly well, any such person, and for this she was now feeling much shame.

Both Ronan and Teyla understood that for the people from Earth- it mattered where you came from, which "country" you were from- some were kinder to gays than others, but essentially it was the same for them everywhere. They knew that the Atlantis Military code for the US Military, including Colonel Sheppard's Air Force, that while they were allowed to be members, they could not discuss or act upon their natures. Whether this was a kindness or cruel, was up for debate. Colonel Sheppard would lose his job if he were truthful and spoke about himself, they both understood this now.

What none of them could have ever conceived was how hard this might be for someone. To have to hide yourself from your friends, family, and peers. To live a lie. Colonel Sheppard was one of the strongest, fiercest, kindest men any of them had ever met- and looking at him now, seeing the agony that this secret had wrecked upon his life, was truly heartbreaking.

John started to pace and began speaking again, a little more composed. "I was OK you know? I made my choices. I can't be both, I can't have both. I can't have a personal life and fly for the Air Force. I knew it going in, and I know it now. Coop knew it too. I'm the one who fell apart and tried to...tried to kill myself. I can't blame anyone but myself for what's happened. I can't blame Coop for leaving. He gave me ten years of his life, and they were the best years of my life. How can I be sad about that? I wish I had more time with him, but I chose the Air Force over him- I can't blame him for leaving me. And after what I did...when Grace found me...I can't blame her either. It was cowardly and I was going to leave her alone. After all she gave up for me, as many times as she saved me... I still chose this life. I CHOSE THIS LIFE!"

John was getting a little hysterical again. His pacing increased and he started yelling. "I was doing OK! I WAS! I was alone and I was doing just fine! THEY left ME and I was helping people! I am helping people, THAT'S MY JOB! I am just a SOLDIER, it is my JOB to help others! I can''t BE anything else, I don't know how to be anything else! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? My LIFE isn't WORTH it- it's meant to be given UP! I'm fucking expendable! So It's FINE they left me, they'd have lost me sooner or later! Why couldn't she have JUST STAYED AWAY! I WAS FINE! AND SHE WAS SAFE!" John had totally lost it by now, he was shaking and weeping, and his voice was ragged.

Teyla looked to Rodney and begged him to ask Dr. Keller to come. Teyla thought Dr. Keller would be more discreet, especially if Rodney asked her to be. She knew she had a soft spot for the scientist. "Rodney, you must call Jennifer here, John needs to rest."

Rondey looked stricken. This was not his area of expertise. People, feelings, ohmygod whatdoIdo..."Ok, ok , yeah. Lemme caller." He paused a moment before holding his finger to his earpiece, "Dr. Keller? This is McKay...yeah...Jennifer, I need you in Colonel Sheppard's quarters. NO!NO! Don't bring a team..just you. Yes yes, he's fine. JUST YOU. OK? And um...he's gonna need a sedative...yeah. No no no, I promise he's OK. Just get here OK just get here NOW! Please? OK OK..."

"OK, she's coming." he said. Rodney didn't know what else to do. He always, ALWAYS made things worse in situations like this. Ronan was right, he just needed to keep his mouth shut.

Colonel Sheppard had stopped pacing and was now trying to sit down on the bed, but he was too agitated, and kept standing back up again. His breathing was coming fast and shallow and he looked pale. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry for what I did. Grace was so MAD, she was so MAD. Look at me, please look at me, I'm so sorry...I tried, I really tried..I tried so HARD! I tried to be good! I tried so hard to be good! But he said if his son was a fag then he didn't have one. WHY WHY? Why would you say that?I tried so hard to be good for him..." It appeared John was completely unaware of his surrounds and the presence of his friends now. Ronan was trying to hold onto him, to keep him still, but to no avail. His legs collapsed beneath him and he pulled Ronan down to the floor with him. John continued to cry out at times quietly, then he'd shout again, ranting basically nonsense rooted in the past. It seemed an eternity before Dr. Keller chimed the door.

To her credit, Dr. Keller didn't bat an eye. She was focused only on the Colonel. "How long has he been like this?"

"Just a few minutes Dr. Keller. The Colonel has had a trying few weeks. I believe he just needs to rest."

Dr. Keller looked up at the people around her, eyes filled only with concern and worry stared back at her. She also took in the state of the Colonel's quarters. Clearly the man was frayed. And yes, he needed rest. She trusted SGA1 to take care of each other, and she didn't think they were trying to deceiving her.

"OK," she said, "I'll sedate him. Can I trust you guys to stay here? He'll need someone with him at all times in case he goes into distress. I'm pretty familiar with the Colonel's physiology so I don't think they'll be any problems, but he's in a pretty agitated state right now."

She stood up from the Colonel who was now balled up on the floor, clenching his shirt with one hand and beating the floor with his other hand. Her bag was on the table and she told Ronan, "Ronan, I'll need you to help me get access to his shoulder, it's the best place for the sedative to go in." She had a small syringe in her hand and cautiously approached the Colonel. He didn't seem to notice her approach.

"John? John? Do you hear me? I need to see you face, ok? Can you look at me?" Jennifer was using a calm quite voice.

John didn't respond. "OK, I need you to help me keep him still for a second Ronan."

Ronan knelt down on the floor next to his friend and gently grasped his shoulders. "Hey, buddy. John...you need to keep still. The doc's gonna help you."

All of a sudden John became aware of what was going on, and he didn't seem to care for the direction things were going. "What?! NO! nononono..Stay away from me. I don't want to go to sleep! I gotta go find him! I need to go! LET ME GO! HE LEFT and I NEED TO GO FIND HIM! I NEED TO GO!"

Ronan sighed. Looked like they were gonna have to do it the hard way. He wrapped his arms around John and dragged him back so he could lean against the wall while holding on to him. John was kicking and screaming the whole time "NO, please, lemme go, I want to go find him... he'll come back, I just need to go find him...COOP! Cooper? Grace?! GRACE! Please, PLEASE , where..." Jennifer had quickly administered the drugs just as soon as Ronan had the Colonel up against the wall.

It took about 5 secs for it to kick in. John slumped against Ronan and his breathing slowly evened out. Ronan, very gently, lifted him up and placed him on the bed. Teyla took off his boots and pulled a blanket over him.

"JESUS what did you give him?!" Rodney exclaimed.

Right at that moment his door swished open. None of them heard the door chime, so everyone quickly turned around. Grace was standing in the doorway. Her silhouette outlined in the doorway. She stood there for a moment, no one said anything- she wouldn't understand them anyway. Beck wasn't with her. She took two steps into the room, her eyes locked on John's still form. She stared at him for a few moments. At first her face showed nothing, but for a fleeting moment everyone saw a look of fear, then great sadness pass over her features. A second later, she fled the room.


	13. Chapter 13

I'm not an expert in anything. Forgive any ignorance betrayed. Don't own any part of the awesomeness that is Stargate. poo.

I totally stole the gym idea from Race_the_Ace. Sorry and thanks!

* * *

The door swished closed after Grace had run from the room.

Dr. Keller stood up slowly. Jennifer was thinking that she wasn't sure if she wanted to know what was going on. Rondey had very specifically asked her to come alone, so she figured SGA -1 was into something against Atlantis regulations or it was something personal. She definitely was leaning toward the latter. She had a lot of respect for every member of this team. She stood looking at Ronan, Rodney, and Teyla- all three of them looked shell shocked and worn out. She decided she would take the direct approach.

Jennifer spoke up "I need you to tell me if he is a danger to you or ANYONE on this base."

Without hesitating Teyla resonded, "No, Dr. Keller, he is not. We will stay with him. He is simple exhausted. The stresses of the last few weeks have taken more of a toll than he thought. I am sure this rest will benefit him greatly."

Jennifer knew this was obviously only a half-truth...but...she also knew that if Dr. Weir or his superiors in the military found out about an episode like this, it would force the Colonel down a path he may not be ready for. This was a fine line...

"OK," Jennifer started, "I don't believe for a second that it's as simple as that- " the other began to protest obviously afraid she was going to call in Dr. Weir or worse, Dr. Heightmeyer ..."BUT! I trust each and every one of you. Rodney, you asked me to come here alone, and I did. I will keep this to myself for now. I would like one of you to come and tell me everything that you AND Colonel Sheppard need to tell me about HOW HE IS GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS, and if he is able to- what exactly 'THIS' is, within 48 hours. Do I make myself clear? "

Rodney let out a deep breath, "Yes, Jennifer. THANK YOU. Thank you. We will, I promise."

"Yes Jennifer, thank you very much for your discretion, and for your trust in us- we will help him." said Teyla.

Ronon said, "yeah."

Jennifer let out a small sigh. "Alright. I'm going to go now. He should sleep for at least 4 hours. Let me know if you need anything else." She walked out the door and back to the infirmary to finish her shift with her mind full of questions.

* * *

Silenty, Ronan, Teyla, and Rodney gathered around the sleeping Colonel. Teyla and Rodney sat in the chairs close to the bed, while Ronan sat on the floor.

"I had no idea. What kind of friend am ?" Rodney was looking with wide eyes at his friend.

"Rodney, none of us knew." Teyla put her hand on his.

Everyone sat in silence for a few minutes. Teyla had her hand resting on the colonel's arm, gently stroking it. Ronan had his arm draped over the colonel's leg. Rodney seemed to collapse in on himself and was hugging his arms to his chest.

"Do you think he'll be OK?" he asked.

Ronan answered, "yeah, he's strong. He'll be OK. Once he makes up with Grace, that'll help. You all saw her face. She still cares. She's just mad."

Teyla wondered aloud, "I wonder...do you think she felt his distress? Like the night that...the night he...the night he tried to kill himself?"

"Yeah" said Ronan "I've heard of twins doing stuff like that. And I bet Atlantis told her too."

Rodney was surprised that Ronan said that but he agreed. "Huh. I bet you're right."

Teyla smiled at Ronan, she always knew the big Sateden was far kinder and gentler that he let on, and apparently, more insightful as well. "Yes, Ronan, I believe you are right- on all accounts."

After a few minutes Rodney left to get his laptop. Teyla went to get some food for everyone as it was approaching midnight and Ronan settled in to watch a movie on John's computer. When John awoke, they all wanted to be sure he would not be alone and none of them were willing to leave.

* * *

(AN HOUR PREVIOUSLY)

Grace was in an unused part of the city (power was inconsistent there, and not ample enough to power up any of the labs) in a large room she had converted to a gymnasium of sorts. She had taken to going out there everyday to work on her martial arts and exercises. Sometimes Beck would accompany her, other times not. She had a tendency to blast any music she might play a loudly as her speaker system would allow- until she could feel the beats in her body. It made it uncomfortable for others to be in the room, which was just as well to Grace.

She had scrounged around the city for extra supplies and materials and she had built herself a pretty good rec room. There was the impressive surround sound stereo system, which she currently had playing music from her ipod, the floor was somewhat padded, allowing for good grip when she practiced her kung fu and kick boxing, she had found a rack for a staff and bantos rods, a couple of punching and kicking dummies as well as a short bench to rest on.

She was currently beating the boxing dummy into a bloodless pulp, each punch reinforced by the anger that had filled her since she stepped foot on Atlantis. She hadn't given herself any time to really think about the situation she now found herself. She'd been too busy working. She would never admit it to anyone, but she loved her new job. Her new home. Atlantis. Pegaus Galaxy. John.

John.

John.

It was that night, so long ago, when she found him, that had lost her 'home'. Her comfort, her tether, her grounding. She felt so betrayed by John's suicide attempt. So much anger that she couldn't move on, refused to. She was NOT going to give him the chance to leave her again. For 10 years she tried to forget about him, to piece together her heart again after he had broken it. She knew deep, deep down that she should help him. That she should forgive him...she wanted so badly to feel grounded again. To feel the connection they had so many years ago, before ...before everything came crashing down.

She was so lost in memories of the past that she at first didn't notice the pull on her conscience. It felt like it that night, the night she had found him lying in the floor, barely breathing. Her mind was replaying the memory over and over as she beat, kicked, and punched the dummy. She was sweaty and breathing hard. She tried to refocus her energy, but the pull persisted. She stopped mid - kick. She lowered her leg and stood still in the middle of the room. She closed her eyes and silenced the thumping music. And she felt it. She felt john in her chest. She felt an overwhelming despair and a confusions of emotions. Fear, shame, loneliness ... She knew it was John. It felt like that night.

In that instant, 10 years of anger were forgotten.

She asked Atlantis to show her the way.

Please take me my brother. Please. Take me to him. I can't let this happen again. Please forgive me John. Please.


	14. Chapter 14

I'm not an expert in anything. Forgive any ignorance betrayed. Don't own any part of the awesomeness that is Stargate. poo.

* * *

In the early hours of the morning, John slowly came awake.

He was warm, and felt as if a heavy blanket was draped over his brain and his body. He slowly opened his eyes. The light of the moon and the ocean was coming in through his window.

Ronan was sitting in a chair across from him. He roamed his eyes around the room and saw the glow of McKay's laptop. Rodney was tapping away at the keyboard and didn't notice that he was awake yet. John rolled a little to his right and saw that Teyla was sleeping next to him, on top of the covers. Ronan had his eyes closed, but they came open slowly and he was now studying John.

"How you feeling buddy?" Ronan asked.

Instead of answering immediately, John took stock of what he remembered.

He remembered telling his team he was gay, and about his relationship with Cooper. He also remembered telling them about his suicide attempt and about Grace finding him. After that, he didn't recall too much. Some flashes of emotion passed through his mind, he remembered feeling panicked and anxious. Did he have a panic attack?

He slowly started to push himself up to a sitting position. Teyla stirred awake as well. She gave John a smile while she too sat up. Rodney noticed that John was finally awake and he shut his laptop and rolled over in his chair to be near him.

John rubbed his hands over his face and through is hair, some of which was plastered to his head, but mostly was sticking up at all angles.

"Hey guys", he croaked. Teyla stood up to get him a glass of water from his bathroom. When she returned she passed him the glass and sat back down next to him with one leg on the floor and the other tucked underneath her.

"Thanks Teyla."

"I, uh, I guess I had a panic attack? Sorry about that guys. I don't know what came over me."

"Hey, don't worry about it Colonel, do you know how many times I've had panic attacks? Countless." Rodney's attempt at comforting him worked. John, while not proud of what had happened and that they all had to witness it, knew that they just wanted to help. And boy, he guess he needed it. John really thought he was doing ok...but obviously his own mind was just kidding himself.

"Thanks Rodney," he said with a smile.

"So, gay, huh?" asked Rodney.

"Yup. " said John.

"Always?" asked Ronan

"Yup." said John

"What about all the women?!" Rodney burst, "I swear you have alien women throwing themselves at you on EVERY OTHER MISSION!" Rodney exclaimed.

"I can't really do anything about that Rodney" John said smiling. He knew Rodney was only joking, well a little anyway.

Rodney looked a bit deflated "Oh my god. It's SO not fair. Brains, good looks...charm...gah."

"Rodney! I am sure the colonel would have let it be known he was not available if he had been able to!"

"Yeah yeah, I know... I...uh..I can't imagine what it's been like for you John. I mean, I'm an asshole, I know that, and at least I'm allowed to behave like it...I can be an asshole all day long and it's OK-"

"Well, not to the people who run screaming and crying from your labs, Rodney" John replied with a smile.

"You know what I mean John..."

"Yeah, McKay I do. I feel OK right now though. Here, in this moment, I feel good. It feels really good to have told you guys about everything. I can't put into words...well...I can't thank you enough for being here. I, uh, I...I've been...alone..for a long time."

"I thought I had reconciled my choices with the...consequences a long time ago. I chose the military over Cooper...I chose it over my own sister- I know I had other options...but I can't NOT be a soldier. I have to protect people. He looked to Ronan, "You understand right Ronan?"

"Yeah, Sheppard, I do. I've told you guys about Malena...I had to make the same choices, she stuck with me until...the end, but it was hard. Really hard on both of us. It sounds like you and your friend Cooper-? (John nodded and looked down to his feet)- made it 10 years, I don't know if Malena and I would've made it that long, the four years we had were hard, but it was worth it for me. For her, she hated every time I went out to do battle, hated it. I wouldn't have blamed her if she left. So, yeah, I get it."

"John," Teyla asked, "Can you tell us how you met Cooper?" Teyla wanted John to focus not on what had just happened, but maybe on happier times. She was also curious about his relationship. They all were. And John seemed to be in a place right now where he'd be OK talking about it.

John looked up at his friends and smiled. "Yeah, sure."

John's friends were studying him, it was clear on his face that he had loved this man, still did. John's face was smiling in a way that they had never seen. This was a genuine smile, not his flirtatious grin or his usual casual smirk. He was shining. A true grin had spread across his face.

"I was in my first year of flight school...and I had some leave time accumulated. I always tried to take my leave somewhere I could surf, away from base, somewhere different, you know? Anyway, I went to Hawai'i and we met there. Sometimes I like to fly private aircraft for fun and he was a mechanic at a small airport I was renting planes out of. I ended up spending most of my leave hanging out watching him fix planes instead of surfing or flying. Towards the end of my leave time, about 10 days after we met, I asked him to move out to Robins AFB with me, and he said 'Yes.' I couldn't believe it. He's amazing Rodney, you would like him, he's really smart. And you guys too, Teyla and Ronan, you'd all like him. He thought my jokes were funny."

John's body relaxed as he continued, "He's tall, about as tall as me. He likes to dress up nice every once in a while, cause he's always so dirty and stuff from work I guess. Oh man, he looked so great when he did. He was so handsome in his suits... I wonder if he still likes to do that? (sigh) Anyway, I didn't even have to teach him sign language! His grandad was deaf, and he'd hang out with him in the summers growing up. He was so excited he got to use it again when he met Grace. He and Grace HATED each other at first, well pretty much everybody hates Grace when they meet her, but he was so excited to be using sign again, I think he'd pick fights with her just to sign."

John slowly stood up and stretched, "Anyway, I don't know where is now or what's he's doing. I never spoke to him again after he moved out." John was walking around his room now.

"After he moved out, it was the next day that I had gone to my dad's house...and where Grace found me. After that I was, uh, I was kind of messed up for a while. It didn't really matter anyway because I was transferred to Suffolk AFB when I got back to base. I, uh, I never spoke to anybody about what happened, I couldn't. I didn't trust the base shrinks anyway. Coop wouldn't have been able to find me without digging pretty deep with the Air Force and I know he wouldn't do that. And I, uh, I never saw him or called him again. I didn't want to have to tell him what I did after he left, I didn't want him looking at me like that or getting mad at me. I figured it was best for us if, uh, if we just didn't try anymore."

"I need to talk to Grace. Man..." John sat down and put his head in his hands, "I thought I was doing OK, you know? Then she came here, and I started feeling so angry about everything again. Angry that my stupid job won't let me be with another man, angry that I've seen and heard my own men do and say hateful things about gays, angry that Coop left...but mostly angry at myself for letting Coop and Grace down."

"Sheppard. When you were blacing out, Grace came here. She knew you were in trouble, I know it." Ronan said, "You should've seen here face, she still cares. She had to make sure you were OK. She still cares a lot."

"Really? She saw me? Aw Jesus, she must think I'm such a fuck up! " John look dismayed.

Teyla spoke, "No, John, I only saw concern in her eyes. She simply does not know how to come to you. I agree with Ronan, you need to go speak to her. Let her know that you are OK. Let her know that you care and that you are sorry for what has happened between you... things will not get bettter for you until you do. Of this, I am sure.

"Yeah," said Rodney, "You guys need to make up. "

John sighed, "Well, obviously, my tactic of not talking didn't work out so well...so, OK. I'll talk to her. Tomorrow. I'll go in the morning."

With that he lay back down on the bed and closed his eyes while saying, "I'm OK now guys, you don't need to stay..." and he drifted off to sleep.

Ronan decided he sleep on the couch, since they promised the doc someone would stay all night. Teyla and Rodney left for their quarterrs, both of them thinking about how sad they were that the Colonel has had to live a life of such compromise.


	15. Chapter 15

***sorry for the LOOOOONG delay in posting. Holidays, work, family, etc.

* * *

Early the next morning, just as the sun was rising, John awoke. His mind was clear and he felt good. He looked and saw Ronan sleeping on his couch. He didn't really think his team would've left him alone last night, and truthfully, he was grateful for the company.

He pulled himself up the bed and leaned back on his pillows. He reached over to his bedside table and picked up his earpiece, where someone must have placed it, and called Lorne. Quietly, he said "Sheppard to Lorne."

"Good morning sir. How'r you doing? You looked pretty tired after the S & R yesterday."

"I'm fine Lorne, thanks. But I am taking a personal day today. Let Weir know will ya?"

"Yes, sir. Shouldn't be a problem. No teams are scheduled to go offfworld since the gate is getting some routine maintenance today. If I may ask, sir, are you finally going to talk to your sister, because it's beyond time. Sir."

John laughed to himself, he really was good friends with his 2IC, and Lorne really did know him too well.

"Yeah I know Evan. And yes, I am going to talk to her today. And you as well, come to my quarters at 1700. Sheppard out"

"Yes sir."

Having taken care of that, John stood up and gathered some clean clothes. He was still in his black BDUs and covered in dirt. He went into the bathroom and shut the door. Looking in the mirror he thought he looked OK. Dirty and tired, but he didn't look as ragged as he knew he looked yesterday. He certainly felt lighter and more at ease, even if he still looked like he had taken a roll in the mud and been beaten by rocks. He stripped off his clothes and took a very long, very hot shower.

By the time he emerged from the bathroom, Ronan had woken up, gone to his own quarters to change clothes and shower, and returned with some breakfast.

"Geez, how long was I in the shower?" John exclaimed.

"Hey buddy. Good morning. You look better." Ronan said as he was striding into the room, "I unlocked your door so I could get back in, didn't think you'd mind".

"No, problem. And yeah, I do feel better."

At that moment, the door chimed and simultaneously Teyla and Rodney came in with their own breakfasts.

"Well, geez, come on in everybody..." John said, but he really was happy that his friends were back.

As they all settled in around his small breakfast table, Teyla said, "John, I want to thank you for trusting us with your past."

John, looked down and didn't say anything, he still felt embarrassed about it all, about how he had handled himself in the past few weeks.

Rodney said, "Yeah Sheppard. Really. I...I can't believe that you had to keep all this secret. I'm OK with you being gay...and stuff. I'm still wrapping my head around it, but I don't care, not really. I just...I thought we were best friends and I...I wish..., I dunno, I wish you could have told us..."

"What he said." said Ronan.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. It's not that I didn't trust you guys. Really." John put down his coffee and looked at his friends.

"You guys don't know what it's like to be judged for being gay. It's awful, and it's just easier sometimes to hide. When my dad found out...well... Well, it was bad. He said some horrible things to me, which I still carry around with me. He was my dad, so it meant a lot to me, what he said...those hurtful words really made me believe I was...less. A let down, a disappointment..."

John's eyes had an unfocused look, he was clearly thinking about his father's parting words.

Surprisingly, it was Ronan who said something next. "Sheppard. Whatever stupid shit your dad said to you, you need to forget about. You have a new family now. Your sister is here, in Atlantis. And from what I saw last night, she really cares about you. I've never met any twins before. You guys are special. I know you will work it out."

Teyla and Rodney were nodding their heads along with Ronan's speech. Teyla said , "I agree with your friend Beck. I believe Grace is angry because she is afraid you are not happy."

She continued, "John...having to sacrifice yourself, and the people you love for your job...is a sacrifice you should NEVER had had to make. I am ashamed to admit that I have not made a better effort to understand people like you, gays, better. In the future, I will never make this mistake again. I never realized how much having to hide, having to push that part of you aside would cost. Having the freedom to express and talk about my life is a freedom I never realized I took for granted." She had tears in her eyes.

John took her hand and said "Hey, it's OK. I knew what I was getting into. It's hard for people to accept what they don't understand. I know...hateful people will always be hateful people. I was young when my dad said those things to me. I know better now. But it's hard to break old habits and let go of old fears."

Rodney said, "I think mostly she's pissed because she thinks you sacrifice too much, like Teyla said. You're not expendable John. You're not worth less because of who you are. You know that right?"

John's friends had been mortified when John had uttered those words, that he thought he was worth less, that he was expendable, just because he was a soldier.

John just looked down, he didn't know what to say. "You hear bad things enough, Mckay, and you start to believe them."

Rodney just said "Well you've been listening to the wrong people."

They were silent for a moment, until John said, "You guys really think Grace will forgive me? I think I hurt her too much. She gave up so much for me, and I turned my back on her... She left dad, she saved my ass when I, when I...took those pills.. and I feel like I let her down. I know I let her down."

John laughed, "McKay, you've spent more time with her in the past 3 weeks with her than I have in the past 10 years. Tell me how she's doing!"

Rodney looked at John with an open face and said "I honestly have no freaking clue! ha ha ha! She is so weird. No offense."

"None taken, " John replied. "She can be a tough nut to crack."

"Well, " said Rodney, "At first I really tried to get some dirt about you from her, but she has the ability to ignore people like no one I HAVE EVER MET BEFORE. It doesn't help that she's deaf. I mean Beck tells her everything I was asking her, she would just stare daggers back at me and say 'FUCK OFF''

John laughed, "Yup, that's my sister..."

"So...yeah, I stopped trying after a few days. She was more that happy to work though. She's amazing. I mean, not as awesome as me, but Kavannaugh is having a duck worrying about his work, she's been dismantling all his systems and rebuilding them, he can't stop her because he's too dumb to follow what she's doing- she's so FAST!- but everything she's doing has really made a lot of systems more efficient."

He continued, "She likes it here. I can tell." McKay looked around kind of sheepishly, "I, uh, I kind of followed her around one day when she wasn't in the labs."

Everyone at the table laughed, this was typical Rodney.

"She scrounged around the empty labs, and I'm pretty sure she's stolen things from the military stock rooms but she has a nice little gym assembled in a room off the north pier, it's way the hell out there. She, uh, she likes to blast music really loud and do ju jitsu or something, I dunno, but she likes to pummel things, I can tell you that. A lot. She's in there a lot of the time, if she's not in the lab. Beating things up and jumping around like a crazy person. She's scary. I like her."

John sighed and took up his coffee again. "I don't know what I'm going to say to her. She's so mad at me." He sighed again.

Right then, the door slid open and Grace was standing in the doorway with Beck.

"Well, buddy here's your chance" said Ronan grinning.

* * *

If you've read this story so far, please review! The reviews really brighten my day, good or bad! I'm sorry there was such a long time since the last update. No reason, just life.

Next up Grace and Sheppard will work things out, and everyone gets to be there for it :)


	16. Chapter 16

***thanks for sticking with me, if you've read this far:)

* * *

Everyone turned to look at who had opened the doors. John stood up and looked anxiously at Grace.

Teyla, Ronan, and Rodney stood up and were making to leave the siblings alone to talk but Grace raised a hand to them and gestured that they should stay.

"I know you're John's friends. I'd like you to stay." Beck translated.

Grace never broke eye contact with John, but continued to address his friends, "I think there have been enough secrets. Besides, if you stay, it means you won't have to ask John later."

She circled John warily, like an animal, avoiding his space. She walked up to Teyla and Ronan and introduced herself very formally. "Teyla Emmagan and Specialist Ronan Dex, I am Grace Sheppard. I am very sorry that I have not introduced myself earlier, an appropriate opportunity did not present itself." When she signed her name she made a point of doing it slowly. She held up her right hand with the thumb and index finger extended like an 'L' with her index finger pointing up, then with a flick of her wrist made her finger point to the left as she tucked in her thumb and brought her hand to her throat. She nodded an acknowledgement to Rodney, who nodded back at her.

"Hey Grace." Rodney said. Rodney didn't really know what to do with his hands. Of course he was DYING to see how John and his freak sister made up, because it sure was time, but he was also REALLY bad at being in situations like this. He decided he'd just stand with his hands in his pockets and speak when spoken to.

Teyla studied her for a moment. Grace was a petite woman and had a thin frame, very much like her twin brother. As usual, she had a strip of black kohl on her face, and of course her multiple piercings. Her clothes were her usual grey, dark green, and blacks and her hair was ragged with spikes, the shaved portion had grown out into a pixie on one side. The overall effect was to make her presence much larger than her actual person. Her formal introduction was jarring, and didn't match up to the person in front of her. Teyla inclined her head and stated simply, "I am very pleased to meet you Grace Sheppard, and look forward to becoming friends."

Ronan said "Yeah." He was definitely intrigued by this woman. She looked hot. And he liked how direct she was. Instead of waiting for Sheppard, which could take FOREVER, she chose to come here. And he could tell that she knew enough already to know that he, Teyla, and McKay were his family. She was gonna work out. He knew it.

Grace, for her part, pretty much felt like she already knew McKay, she knew his type. He was OK. Over the last few weeks, after getting over the initial shock that she was in another galaxy with her brother, she had been getting to know John better, even though he wasn't aware. His friends didn't know it, but they were right. Beck was right. She had been so angry that John had to sacrifice so much!

She read through all of his mission reports. From these she was able to read between the lines and could tell that his team were important to him. She had been blown away by the mission reports. She was proud and afraid for all the things her brother had been through. After reading all the reports she could begin to see why he couldn't leave the military. Helping all those people, all over the universe ... she just wanted to get to know him again. She wanted to protect him... Who was protecting him?

During this brief moment of silence, John had taken a step towards his sister. He signed to her and said aloud, [I'm sorry. For everything].

Beck had nodded to everyone as he walked in, but was in the room in an official capacity only, it soon became clear to everyone, by his demeanor.

Grace stepped back from John, a hurt look passed over his face, which he quickly hid.

After a second, Grace said "I'm glad you found a family here."

"They're good for me... I understand why you left. I do." John said with sadness.

A look of overwhelming sadness came over Grace's features. Then a look of agony passed over her face. "DO YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE? TO SEE YOU LYING ON THE FLOOR! DYING? You have no idea! NO IDEA! I DIED THAT DAY TOO!" Grace's breathing was coming hard, she was taking in big deep breaths, "You left me! YOU LEFT ME!"

To his credit, Beck didn't pause in his translating duties. OF course, he thought. That's the piece I was missing. That explains everything. He have time later to think everything though, but man, that explained a lot.

Teyla, Ronan and Rodney looked like they were going to leave,

Grace stopped them again, she had tears on her face, "NO! STAY! I need... I need for you to be here. I need you to understand me, to understand US. And I'm tired of John hiding. I'm TIRED of him HAVING TO HIDE and be afraid! It's KILLING HIM! KILLING HIM! I can see it! I can't let that happen again! I can't!"

Teyla broke in before Grace had to feel she was going to betray any more of John's secrets. Teyla grabbed both her shoulders, "Grace! John told us everything last night. He told us about Cooper, and about his... breakdown after. He told us about you, a little anyway. About how much you meant to him, and how much you helped him."

Grace stepped back, looked to John and signed, "You told them everything?"

"Yes," John said, looking first down at his feet, but then raising his eyes to look at Grace, "I told them everything."

He continued, "Grace, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for what I did. But I'm not sorry for choosing to do the work I do. It's important. I can't be anything else. I've lost so much because of the choices I've made. I can only ask that you'll forgive me and come back. I can't change who I am..."

Grace closed her eyes. When she opened them again she look angry. "When I found you, a part of me died. I can never live through that again. You were going to leave me. You hurt me." She closed her eyes again as tears rolled down her face.

John slowly walked towards her, he face looked stricken, and he was also crying. As he approached her she opened her eyes. He continued to walk towards her, as he got close, she raised her hands to his chest and stopped him. She ghosted her hands over his chest and shoulders, looking him up and down, like she was seeing him for the first time.

"I've missed you" she signed.

Ever so slowly, she stepped closer as she raised herself up on her toes and hugged him.

John was overwhelmed. He had his sister back. He clutched her to his body in a fierce hug. He breathed in her scent and held on.

Ronan said "awesome".

Rodney said "cool".

Teyla just smiled.

* * *

**Now that the worst part is over, they've made up, or at least started too, I'm going to try and explore some romance and whumpage in future chapters! YAY for whumpage!

Reviews please! Please? Please!


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